My wish
by valorkairi
Summary: Cecaniah CC was born with the curse of geass and has since been shunned by her mother for it. When Lelouch Lamperouge, another geass wielder finds out this he asks her to join him in the Black Knights as 00. Lelouch x CC END
1. Misery

There was absolutely no point in my existence. I was a mere tool used for torture and masochistic events. I was cursed from the very day of my entrance into this world with an eye that only brought suffering. Pain and fakeness to be exact. I was nearly murdered every night by a person who was supposed to be trusted. I was murdered almost every night for doing something beyond my boundaries. I meant not to do them. I was unaware at that time what suffering I was putting myself through just by looking at him. The suffering she would put me through for doing them. She would kill me someday and I? I would welcome it. I always did.

The most favorable act she would ever do for me was end my life. Quickly if she wanted to prove herself not a shrew.

I was born with 'Geass'. Anyone who looked in my eyes while it was activated would automatically fall in love with me. They would adore me, smother me, and love me like a husband loves his wife or a greedy man loves his money. The conflict? Jealousy. From my own flesh and blood nothenless. She was my mother. I remember she once loved me and held me like I was a precious token of the world. I then made her jealous. I took over the adulation that was once guarded by her and meaninglessly won over the affection that was displayed upon her by, siblings, parents, friends, and even boyfriends. This was not a good result. I remember the excrutiating first day of her torture methods. I was confused of why she had old books on the gallows and the iron maiden lying around. I was also confused by the mockery in her eyes when she first greeted me. _'Welcome home, Cecaniah.'_ Her words were frightening. My first instinct was to run. Run and go lock myself in my room. I did and she chased after me. She pounded on the door like her life depended on it. Her shrill voice rang throughout the apartment. _'Open up! Mommy wants to talk to you!'_ I was such a nimble fool. I opened it and from that day on I was put through a living hell.

Tonight, she locked me in the attic of the apartment building where no one else ever went. She had a date and to make sure I never met him in case my geass accidently activates, she chained me to a steel grate with rope. Red liquid was dripping down my wrist. Mother did not do this though. I did. It didn't matter if I hurt myself. She would do so anyways. Another cut and the flesh and it feels as though this has become a routine. Another cut and another. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Not the cuts though.

I start to sob into my lap as I drop the broken glass shard.

----

The student council at Ashford Acadamy was known for it's spontanious characters. They were such a tight nit group with friends of both sides. Elevens like Suzaku, Brittanian nobles like Milly, perkiness like Shirley, pig headedness like Rivalz, rascists like Nina, and secretive like Lelouch. The only one I could actually relate to was Lelouch. I hated him though. An aura of pain was obviously floating around him, yet he still managed to make it through the day with out breaking his sheild. He could be around people and enjoy their company. He could even smile like there is a tommorow. We were opposites yet the same.

"Who is that girl?" I hear Rivalz ask.

"That's Cecaniah." Milly whispers. "You don't see her much because she always skips class."

"I heard that Rena said that she was cutting herself in the girls bathroom." Shirley says. I hate her. I loathe her. If she would die here and now I might break into a dance. "Isn't that like creepy?"

"I don't know." Rivalz whistles. "But she's pretty hot."

"You know she can hear you." Lelouch says. The Student council quiets and turns their heads like they were innocent. I turn towards Lelouch and give him a half hearted nod. Don't expect me to actually say thank you. He doesn't seem to care and shrugs it off like it's meaningless. That's how it should be.

----

"Cecaniah." Mother calls me. I flinch. She wants to hurt me and I'll let her. I always do.

"Yes?" I ask politely. If I'm nice she always stops quicker.

"Mommies boyfriend is coming tonight." She smiles. "So I'm going to have to lock you in room 214 so you don't infatuate him"

I stare blankly. "What?"

She grabs my hair and twists it. "You heard me."

"That place is occupied though!"

"Yes, by you."

She drags me down the hallway and leads me to room 214. No one is in now. The room looks like it has been used for a saw movie. The wallpaper is ripped and you barely even notice the pink flowers imprinted on them. Glass is scattered across the floor and blood stains are covering half of the rooms carpet. It makes you wonder what happened.

She pushes me to the floor and locks the door. I don't think I'll ever find myself not cower of her cruel punishments.

The cold air vent makes me shiver. At least it isn't dark like in the attic.

Upstairs I hear mother and the man talk.

_'You look beautiful.'_

_'You look great yourself.' A laugh. 'But with me standing here in comparison who can tell?'_

_'Always the modest one, I see. Jules told me you had a daughter.'_

_A pause. "Yes, she died a year ago.'_

That's it. I was dead to her.

---

The pizza festival was the only school event I was yearning for. You could win a free Cheese-kun and eat as much pizza as you wanted. The school was decorated with yellow banners that had splotches of red thrown across to represent pizza. Balloons

flew in the air, people were juggling, and even the cheer club was supporting Pizza Day. The decorations didn't matter though, the warm giant pizza was supposed to be presented today.

"Here, take a raffle!" Rivalz yells. "Win a free Pizza Hut plushie!"

"How many people are competing?" I ask. Rivalz seems surprised that I have the ability of speech.

"Erm...alot?"

I sigh. "I'll take twelve."

Suzaku suddenly comes behind me and grabs my shoulder. "Hey, your the girl from third period."

I nod. He's not so dumb after all.

"Well, Milly thought you were looking pretty lonely and was wondering if you would want to sit with us?"

I stare. My eyes bore into him. "Why would I do that?"

"Milly says," He changes the subject. "She'll cheat your way into winning the plushie if you sit with us."

"Fine." I mutter. ",but only for the plushie."

Milly is of course waiting next to Shirly near the Pizza stand. Shirly doesn't seem to happy to see me. The feelings mutual.

"Cecaniah! It's so great to see you."

I nod. "Wheres my plushie?" I'm impatient obviously. They said they would give me my damn Cheese-kun and I want it!

"Cool it." I hear Lelouch from behind. "You have to wait until the raffle."

This was absurd. Humans were so meaningless. Their existence was only to live so that they could die. The only point of your life was to die. That's the result of all you worked for. An ending. A death. It was such a sad way to live.

"Hey, Shirley and Milly!" A boy calls. "We need you to help tack this banner."

"Coming!"

Now I'm left alone with the midnight haired anti-hero. Great. Just great.

"What a foolish boy." I mutter.

"Excuse me?" Lelouch seems taken back.

"Haven't you heard the rumors?" I chuckle darkly. "I'm a cannibal. I eat people."

"No, I have heard of them. They were a little too fictuous to me."

"Let me guess. You heard the one about me being immortal and taking babies for my dessert."

"Lunch." He corrects.

"Lunch." I agree.

We sit and watch the parade. He doesn't seem at all focused on it though.

"Nunnally is fond of you." He says.

Nunnally was a blind middle schooler who had a sad story wove together. Aside from the obvious of being blind and crippled, she was also an orphan. Lucky her. I had once held a conversation with her. In the hallway one day she dropped her books and I picked it up for her. 'Thankyou." She had said. 'You smell like Lilacs. Thats new. So your not Lelouch-onee-sama?' 'Cecaniah.' I replied.

'That's a beautiful name. Tell me..what perfume do you use? You smell like a garden.' I had blushed. She was one of the few pure humans to ever exist. 'I...don't.' She smiled though. 'Maybe it's your hair. Maybe you just smell naturally good.' 'Thank you. Here, you can have my conditioner.'

That was basically our only encounter. She bade farewell as did I.

"She's actually someone I like." I sigh.

"You don't like us?"

"Humans are selfish." I answer dryly. "They take simple things for granted. Nunnally has experienced trauma and has built an unselfish demeanor. No one understands her which is why I understand her completely."

"I...see." He says. He likes my answer. He sees my answer as though he sees what he wants other people to see. "I used to wonder why you and I were so much alike."

"Silly boy. There is nothing common about us. Except that we are both in hiding from everyone else."

"You can tell?" He's not surprised.

"I'm not stupid."

"Your not bright." He snaps.

I then look over to a boy whose running up to us. "Lelouch I..."

_FLASH!_

My geass goes off and in seconds the boy is running towards me not Lelouch. "My beautiful maiden! What is your name?"

Lelouch is looking at me though with shock. "The bird."

"What?" The geass infected boy is trying to hug me, but I keep dodging.

"The bird signal. In your eyes..."

He saw it. "You have geass?" He asks.

I gap. He has it too.

**C.c: Wow. You actually made a story like this. Where has your creativity gone?**

**Valorkairi: ......**

**Lelouch: One word. Retard.**

**Valorkairi: Hey! You think that the geass signal looks like a bird!**

**C.c: And....you don't?**

**Valorkairi: Gah! Whatever! Review!**


	2. loves

I was up until now led into a secret life of greif and ire. My life has turned one-hundred-and eighty degrees after mine and his discovery. We both were similes and opposites. Similiar not just by our birth born curse, but our loathing towards the world. I had expected an encounter like this one day. Humans weren't stupid. They would eventually discover that I had geass and snub me like I was an annoying insect. I was prepared for such. Luckily the first to discover was someone who beared the same damnation as me.

I still feel the need to hide though.

He grabs me by the hair and pulls me to behind the stadium. "You have geass?" He nearly shouts.

I don't say anything. I don't really know him and I want to trust him, but trust is a guileful friend. I don't answer him. If I do, I might be shunned on the spot or blackmailed.

He pins me to the wall. "Answer me."

"Wretched boy. Don't speak to me like that." I choke. I try to struggle free, but he holds my shoulders in place. His eyes were once a bored shade of eggplant covered by thick hazy lashes. Now they are as black as charcoal.

"Do you have geass?" He repeats. His face draws closer and I see his scorching eyes.

A gasp. "Lelouch was going to kiss Cecaniah!" It's Shirley, my lifesaver and the jealous ninny. She covers her mouth in shock.

"Don't say weird things." Lelouch nearly shouts.

"Oh, Lelouch?" I tease. This was going to be fun. "Why do we have to hide _our_ affair? Why any longer?"

"Cecaniah!"

"Lelouch!" Shirley screeches.

"_Lelouch_." I pout. "To think you even made a promised to marry me and yet you won't even tell your friends about _us_."

"Cecaniah!"

"Lelouch!"

I walk away. "Sayanora, Lelouch. If your too ashamed of me then I guess we can never truly be."

I left behind a steaming Lelouch and a bitter Shirley. For now I had to focus on the facts and not dig deeper into more questions.

If I remained with Lelouch my current questions like what geass do you have and what do you plan to do with it would be answered, but others would eventually arise and I would feel my life revelve around unraveling the mystery of the midnight haired boy.

However, Shirley was worth the attention. She was the typical Brittanain teenager. An affordable life, a crush, friends, and not a care in the world. I have the ability to stir her veiw of the world and make it into my own mini comedy show.

"Now presenting the raffle!"

My heart missed a beat. I turned slightly around and gazed at a large group crowding around the raffle post.

"And for the Cheese-kun plushie....Cecanaih Corballe!" Milly winks at me.

When I walked up to collect my prize, awes and stares greeted me. Whispering, too.

'Who is that?'

'She sure is a beauty.'

'That's the girl who was cutting herself in the _bathroom_.'

'So she's emo?'

'She has great legs.'

I grabbed the plushie and breifly glanced at the ogled students. My eye caught onto Lelouch who was staring at me with an uncertain express. His eyes were twisted in a grim expression, but his mouth was twisted in an odd smile. Was he _mocking_ me?

"So tell us Cecaniah is this your first time winning a raffle?" Rivalz asks. "We don't er... hold many....so do you think we should hold more? It's for a survey."

'I didn't know there was a survey.'

'They probably just want her to say something.'

"No," I say. The crowd silences. "You shouldn't rip people off with meaningless scams. It's a win or lose situation which isn't fair to the society. It's also based off of luck which can never be trusted."

I step down from the steps and head onto the pizza bar. People are still ogling.

---

"You think your so great, huh?" Mother asks me. She tightens the rope around my wrist ties the other end to the door. "My date found out you were still alive. Now he thinks I'm some psycho who wants my daughter dead!"

She digs her nails into my scalp. I try not to whine.

"Well as a matter of fact- I do!" I feel her hand hit the back of my head which makes my face push into the wall. I hate her. As many times as she hits me I will never plea for mercy because I hate her. I'm afraid of her. I still have my pride and concious, though.

"Now take this you little...."

_KNOCK! KNOCK!_

"Now who the hell could that be?" Mother says angrily. She unties my wrists and gives me that crow look. The one that warns me not to tell.

_KNOCK! KNOCK!_

"Coming." Her voice is sweet. She opens the door and standing before her is Lelouch Lamperouge.

"Why hello." My mother flutters her eyelashes. She has already taken a liking to him. Why not? He was gorgeous.

"May I speak to Cecaniah." Lelouch eyes me and requests.

Mother flinches. "Yes, of course."

----

Were in my room sitting on opposite sides of the bed. He doesn't even bother to look at my room or start with an opening greeting. He gets right to business.

"You have geass." He points out.

I still don't answer. I sigh and close my eyes. When I open them he's closer and observing me. Not like a regular guy observes a beautiful girl, but how a guy points out little things. Like bruises.

"So you do inflict pain on yourself." He mutters.

I glare at him. "Yes, I do."

"But not these ones?" He points at my forehead which has red and purple stains from todays torture.

"Lelouch," I sigh again. I change the subject. "Do you have geass?"

"...Yes."

"Thought so."

"And...you?"

"Yes."

"Thought so."

We stare at eachother for a distant amount of time. "What does yours...do?"

"Mine?" He asks. "Mine makes anyone do whatever I tell them to do, but only once."

"Mine makes people fall in love with me."

"So I've seen."

"I won't use it on you." I promise. "I wouldn't like to manipulate people into force. It's annoying."

"And it wont work." He states.

I say. "What makes you say that?"

"Well mine doesn't work on you." Lelouch sighs and twists a peice of his hair. "Today, during the festival, I tried to use geass on you to make you tell me if you had geass or not. It didn't work though. So I figure yours won't work on me."

"Very clever."

"Cecaniah...while I'm here today I want to make sure...I need your assistance." Lelouch says suddenly.

I feel dizzy. I'm actually needed in this world. I don't know why, but I feel my heart go light and float to my chest like a balloon.

"To...do what?" I ask.

"I'm starting the Black Knights Association. I'm going to defeat Brittania and I need you to help me with your Geass."

I had heard of the Black Knights. This was his secret. He was zero, the hero of justice, the cunning leader, the Japanese only hope. Now I saw it clearly. He hid every day from the world his true self so he could pursue a life of anti-heroism. The thing was though he was the hero and he wasnted me to be one with him. I clutch onto the bed then relax and lie down.

"Why should I?"

"I can give you anything you want." He states. He then takes out a smaller version of Cheese-kun and hands it to me. "I can get you the unreachable."

"You can grant me a wish?"

"Yes."

"So you promise?"

"Yes." He says.

"Then it's a contract."

I hold out my hand and wait for him to shake it. He stares at it while he thinks over the contract. Then he grasps it and we both attempt smiling at eachother. It was finally here. My chance to die could be fulfilled by him.

"Yes, a contract." He agrees.


	3. company

_AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah, so some people have asked me to update Insanity for the Shota. I truly love Shotacon, but the only way I would ever find myself continuing it is if I wrote the whole thing over. My writing style and grammar (and spelling) Is much better then it is when I started that story. (Hope you can tell.) I also have other stories that haven't been updated, but once again I would have to rewrite the whole story. So please understand._

_Also I have some facts about Cecaniah and the story:_

_She can die she just doesn't want to do it herself. (Lazy? Sure...Maybe.)_

_She is sixteen._

_She is smart memory wise and has common sense while Lelouch is smart strategy wise which seperates them._

_She does not have __**code.**_

_You are born with Geass. (In this story) And only a very few are chosen by geass._

_Why Cecaniah? Cecaniah Croballe to be exact. In the light novels it is revealed to be her name. Yes, I know people think it is Cecilia or Jennifer, but in reality those names make no sense and the geass writers probably want something more sophisticated._

_Cecaniah Croballe means Free maiden in German._

_Oh, and Kallen isn't Karen. She's just Kallen._

----

---------

--------------

It's beautiful and had to have cost a fortune for such a pricy gown. His was plain and black with a mask so bland yet mysterious while mine was white and luminous. A jumpsuit with blue pads along the end that connected to a a genie like veil. It would be my cloak- my disguise for when I worked with the Black Knights. The man, zero, was now my accomplice and partner. We were to rid the world of the Brittannia empire and restore peace throughout Japan. His intentions of doing so however were not clear. His whole image was like a fog covering and veiling the true Lelouch.

I sit here on his bed, waiting for him to give order. He was in charge now that we had made a life and death contract. If I had died with the black knights during combat my wish would be fulfilled and if he so happened to reach his goal I would still be put to death like our contract agrees. Lelouch doesn't know of my bargain of the contract however. He assumes I want comfort or greedy things like money. I know he does.

"How did you get this outfit?" I ask. I glide my fingers down the white jumpsuit.

Lelouch smirks and points at his eye. "I have contacts." Then he stares at me. "Why? Do you like it?"

I stare back. I begin to object, but stop. "Well, yes. I guess so."

He seems satisfied. It was an odd way how this unncouth boy thought. His conception was off charts.

"Your very wicked aren't you." I declare. "And vulgar."

He chuckles. "Your not an angel yourself."

"How so?" I ask. "You have nothing bad to judge me upon."

"I can think of a few."

"Name one."

"You cut yourself." He states.

I wince. "Yes." I agree. "But that isn't inflicting pain on other people. I'm not a sado masochist. I'm just a plain masochist."

Lelouch rolls his eyes. He grips the back of my collar and pulls it down. I stare at him in befuddlement and shock.

"What are you...?"

"Ah," He starts to rub his finger against my new wounds. "Developed from...what looks like cigarette's?"

He was right of course. Last night _she_, my mother pushed lighted cigarettes into the back of my neck for grandpa only calling for me and not her. It was chilidish really. _'Cecaniah. Why must mommy suffer? Why must you take every one I love away from me? Why?' _Then she got out the mallet. My screams were hushed by sticky tape she had wrapped around my mouth. This beating had lasted longer than my normal routine ones. The devil show no mercy.

"Yes, it was a great game." I say. I'm a great fibber. "I had always used knives and sharp objects for my practices, but never had I thought that lighten ashes would be more...amusing." I twiddle my finger along my hair line and look to see if I'm believed.

His face once again is unreadable.

"So," I change the subject. "When do I get employed?"

"You already are." Lelouch sighs. "We have a meeting this...Monday I suppose. Then we can introduce you to my members."

"How many are there....exactly?"

"There is twenty-two in the higher classified level which works directly with me.....about fourteen in the middle level...and forty-three in the least level which works under me, but not in direct contact with me."

"Am I in the high class level?"

"No," Lelouch says. "Your a little above that seeing how were almost equals."

"Equals?" Well, that was somewhat flattering.

"Yes, I looked through your school records...they were low, but your IQ level on Exams are remarkable. Higher then Kallen's, but ten points behind mine. We both have the powe of the Geass and you know too much information about me for me to not keep my eyes on you."

"Hasn't anyone ever told you to not snoop into other people's business?"

He smirks.

----

I was lucky when I arrived home. She was nearly passed out and drunk from Budweiser as she lay limply on the couch. Cards are scattered everywhere and tobacco smoke is drifting in the air. Looks like she had a party. I creep to the fridge and pull out a scarlet apple. This would be the only time I could feel safe while eating.I set myself beside my mother as drool hangs from her mouth.

I take a bite of my apple and let the juicy fluids enter my mouth before saying. "You know I actually like you when your close to passing out. You look like crap and can't do anything about it."

"Mmmm..." She moans in reply. She's incoherent which makes it so much easier to pick on her.

"You know," I munch on my apple. "I once thought of killing you." She doesn't answer so I continue. "I had a perfect plan and everything. I would hang your garden cleaver above the door way, and lay marbles around the front door so when you came home you would stumble and die. It was rather crafty, really. Then I would dismember your body. I would place your nose in a jar in the fridge, your toes under the furniture, and leave the rest of your body on the top of the roof so the birds could eat your remains."

Mother lifts one hazy eye. "Mmmm..."

I smile. "If only you were always like this. Maybe then the thought of slaying you would never have crossed my mind."

My eyes flicker to a nearby sharp object. It's a pencil. The thing that feels so horrifyingly right.

I grasp it and spin it between my fingers. "Stab, stab, stab. I remember you tried to stab me with one of these after your boyfriend fell head over heals for me." I snicker. "Oh, no though. He came in and intruded on the scene before that repugant thing could touch my shriveled up skin."

"...Kill....me...." She murmurs.

I pause. "Mother?"

"...I'm....sorry...Cecaniah...."

"What's wrong with you? Mother?" I feel my fingers tighten around the pencil and my half eaten apple drop onto the wooden floor.

Mother grabs a lock of hair and I freeze. "Cecaniah...kill...me....for your own...goo..." Then she chokes and I see her spit up blood.

She grasps her head like she has a headache, but soon passes out on the couch.

This is a perplexing and mysterious situation.

---

Shirley, of all people is the first to talk to me on Monday. Kill me now. She jumps carefreely over to me with a smile on face, hair in a mess of orange, and sweat roaming down her forhead. When she spots me, she looks nervously sideways, but then smiles at me.

The first thing I noticed when she reached me was that she was holding mountains of papers.

"Cecaniah! There you are! I wanted to talk to you!"

I blink.

"Um...er...well..." She twiddles her thumbs together. "Prez wanted to know...."

"Milly?"

"Y-yeah." She seems surprised that I speak. "Er well could you just come with me for a second?"

She grasps my hand and hurridly leads me much to my objections. I swear I heard some men say 'dykes.'

----

Milly is as usual her happy dimpled filled self, though she seems more delighted than ever when I walk in the room. The others....are mixed though. Lelouch eyes me and I see him look at me with a confident expression. What did _that_ mean? Rivalz is grading papers and seems a little worried that I'm in the room, like I'm a succubus willing to steal his poor virtue. Hilarious as the thought was I couldn't help but feel a surge of confusion run through my veins on why they had me here. Kallen looked dubious, Shirley looked like her normal self, and Suzaku was fleeting with warm smiles and welcome arms. Now, what did _that_ mean?

Milly ruffled my hair as an act of friendship. She was not. "Now, Cecaniah, may I call you C.c.?" I begin to retort, but she doesn't even let me speak. How rude. "Now, our dear VP- Vice President Lelouch has asked me to let you join the student council! Isn't that just grand?"

I give Lelouch a long die-hard glare. He seems unfazed.

"I'm sorry. I must refuse." I was truly not sorry at all.

"Oh," Shirley seems a little relieved that I turned down the offer. Now, she could have lelouch all to herself. "Well it can't be helped then..."

"Cecaniah." Lelouch prompts. "What if I need to talk to you over..._certain_ matters. It would be much easier for me to contact you if you were in the council." So he wanted me to join so he could reach me about the Black Knights?

"Well, Lelouch." I scowled. "If you needed to reach me over _certain_ matters you could just come by my house or if it was..._urgent_ you could call."

Lelouch rises from his seat. Im testing his temper. "That is true Cecaniah, but it would be much more _convenient_ if I could see you on a regular basis since we have only one class together."

"Well, if you wanted to be in classes with me, I'm sure you could just _charm,_" I refer to the geass by pointing my index finger at my eye. Of course, no one else gets what I'm telling him. "An administrator or employee to change your schedule."

The student council seems miffed by the situation when finally Milly says. "Ah, so secretive? I get it! You guys are going out!"

We stare at Milly.

Milly smiles and I swear I saw anime sparkles in her eyes. "How romantic! Lelouch wants to see Cecaniah, but Cecaniah is playing hard to get! Lelouch I never knew you were a romeo!"

Lelouch objects. "No were...."

"Lelouch is dating?" Kallen asks. She says it in her fake weak voice.

Rivalz applauds. "Wow, Lelouch! You mind if I borrow her some time?"

"No," I object too. "Were not..."

"Lelouch?" Shirley says. She makes us all fall into silence. Water is welling up in her big puppy green eyes. I feel no remorse for her. She should have so eventually that Lelouch would find someone if she didn't move stealthily. Although I was anything but. "Lelouch is dating...Cecaniah?" She croaks my voice out. She then runs out of the room, hands covering her eyes.

"...What was that about?" Lelouch asks, miffed. We all sigh.

-----

"Now, Cecaniah here is your first act of duty to the Black Knights." Zero says.

I pull up my gypsie veil and cover everything on me except my eyes. "What am I supposed to do?"

"By using your geass you will hypnotize a man into giving us his property which is in a deserted area. If you do this the Black Knights will have a hideout and workplace."

"Why can't you do it, princess?" I tease. "Afraid to break a nail?"

"No, I can only use my geass on a person once." He sighs. "I need you to make him hand over the place. Then I'l force him to kill himself."

"Ah." So that's how he worked.

-----


	4. Hatred

_I was asked by a reviewer where the links were to the sites:_

_?board=general&action=print&thread=1875_

_So anyways another reviewer asked Lelouch to have ninja training or physical skills. He's good at firearms and explosives, but I think we should leave the combat for Kallen. Oh, and another asked me to kill off Shirley. Great idea, but that's not until later on until I can work up her bitchy annoying attitude some more. XD Also my information I had found was fan based because obviously if there was a real web site to declare that I could give you info on then I would tell, though It would be in Japanese so unless you can read kanji there is no hope except for an english announcement from Sunrise Corp. Her original name was Cera which was leaked by the designing group Clamp, but a rumor said that they changed it to a more sophisticated name. A.K.A supposably Cecaniah._

_Oh, yes I know this chapter is uberly sucky. I was listening to smile empty sould- finding myself when I wrote this which was the only think that kept me writing. Thank you music._

_----_

_-----_

_-----_

I felt a morbid sense of depression wash over me with my first witness to murder. I had of course done as told and made the poor Brittanian soul hand over his deed to the location. It was hidden in a safe that was lying under a Persian Rug. Then, Lelouch used it.

His powerful geass that manipulates people was used and the man commited suicide. His blood stained my white cloth and for the first time I felt mad. Like I was the murderer in a horror movie.

"Don't worry." Lelouch comforts. He steps over the dead body with ease which makes me feel even more insane. "You get over the killing. This man was not innocent. He stole riches from Elevens and smuggled money from the poor."

I plan to say something offensive like_ 'And they call me emo?' _,but stop myself. "That's....."

No words come out. Then I giggle. He stares at me in a befuddled way. "Cecaniah?"

"Do you know how many times I wanted to do that to my mother?" I chuckle. "Do you know how many times I dreamed of her having a gore bath with her own blood. Do you?"

"So you hate her?" He says unafraid.

"Loathe her." I correct.

"Because..." He says. "She hurts you?"

I sigh and he takes that as a yes. I pick up the dead mans ring which is soaked in red blood and place it on my finger. He didn't have bad taste in jewelry at least. I then glanced at Lelouch who was talking to presumably a member of the Black Knights. He then shuts down the phone quickly and turns to me. "Change of plans."

"Excuse me?" I ask.

"The Black Knights are going to be introduced to you today."

-----

They were basically all Elevens. They were all dressed in black with chivalrous and valor auraing around them. Kallen was of the Black Knights, which didn't surprise me by the least. I had always noticed her despise for Brittani ans. Despite her also being one. I also noticed a Brittanian. He was once a news reporter who seemed more suspicious than anything. They glanced at me with distrustful looks.

Zero then came out with a voice so strong and loud it shook the room. "My fellow Allies and Comrades!"

Attention was averted to Zero. The Black Knights looked at him with admiration and respect. He was a freaking god to them.

"We will issue special placings today. We have new members," He glances at me. "And important positions to be given. First, Ohgi will be third in charge!"

A man with afro like hair started to blush and go nervous. "B-but Zero..."

He is cut off by Zero silencing him by waving his hand. He continuously gives out appointed positions and I feel left out in the dark. There was then that Kallen after being recruited to Zero's special guard that she had asked. "You named Ohgi as third, but you never named Second position, Sir."

Silence. Then murmurs. Whispering. Then loud uproarious questions. The room was suddenly sent into a clamorous uproar.

"Silence!" Zero commands. "We do have a new member."

Silence again.

Zero continues. "She is second in charge and I consider her my equal as you should, too. Her code name is double zero. She will not be in confrontational battles like the rest of you. Double Zero will be sent on secretive missions that won't involve combat. Thanks to Double Zero we were able to find this hideout."

"But," Someone asked. "Who is Double Zero?"

His hand ushers towards me and the room is filled with people turning towards me. I feel a tad shy, but don't show it. I also feel cocky and arrogant which makes me smirk at my own egotistical attitude. They can't see this of course.

"Now," Zero says. "We plan for our surprise attack!"

-------------------

"They look up to you alot." I sigh. "I don't think with all of them surrounding you that you and I would be able to talk."

We are in class and Lelouch is scooted close to me while the teacher gives a lecture. I doodle down useless notes.

"Join the student council." Lelouch mutters.

"No," I glare. "It's too_...happy _there it's revolting. I wouldn't be able to handle it."

He silences. I feel something pang inside of me like pain. I wanted his comfort which was too absurd to explain. I had wanted him to tell me something like 'It'll be alright', but I knew he wouldn't and it only pained me more. The world was off such peculiar acts. Had I grown attached to this boy? It was possible. I didn't want it to be, though. I had already after all these years grown into a selfish loner. I didn't want to change. I don't want anyone here for me. He would grow old with the title as hero hanging over his shoulder and I would be dead. He would find a wife or lover in Shirley or another and I would be dead. He would have friends and a life. I would be dead. The thought was so depressing now which was uncomprehendable. Hadn't I wanted to die? Lelouch was going to ruin it for me by just being there. The only thing that I can do is to distance myself from him. All we will be is partners. Then I can die without strings attached to this world.

I scoot my chair away. The only way to distance myself was to be cold.

Class ended and I hurried out of the room making sure we made no contact.

---------

Mother was cutting vegetables today and asked for my assistance. I wasn't particularly afraid of her. I still resented her don't get me wrong, but I still kept the feeling of pain from the encounter with Lelouch today that made me block out my fear. I chop a carrot and push it to the side not quite caring if I made any contact with mother. She noticed my odd behaviour and smiled a creepy smile.

"Your doing the cutting all wrong." She says. She quickly snatches the knife from me which makes me jump. Her sado masochistic personality takes gleeful bliss from my terror. Only to worsen things she quickly brings the knife down right in front of me and cuts into a squash. "This is how you do it, dearie." I almost fainted.

"I..."I stammer."H-have to go to the bathroom." I run to my room actually and lock the door shut behind me.

Lelouch is sitting on my bed.

"You could have came through the door." I say. I try to catch my breath.

"You would have been beaten later if I did."

He knew too well. He was growing attached to me too. "Leave." I state.

He seems taken back by my statement. "I need to talk to you on a special occasion." The Black Knights of course.

"Then call." I say icily. If he called I wouldn't have to look him in the eye. I would loosen this string that held us together.

He scowls. "I can never tell your personality. What am I supposed to do?"

"Call." I reply.

"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about how were going to work together if you keep pushing me away."

We stare at each other as though trying to figure the other out. We were both puzzling and complex creatures. No one, not even ourselves could figure us out.

"What... did you want to tell me?" I ask. If we got down to business there wouldn't be any more reason for him to hang around.

"Our plan to take over district twelve of Tokyo." He says. "I need you to be sent to the Chinese confederation next weekend and...persuade them to back us up if the Brittanain forces fight back."

I nod. I then expect him to leave, but he doesn't.

"You can leave now." I said. Then I tease. "If your waiting for a Girls Gone Wild parade to go on in here your wasting your time."

He smirks. "I didn't think there were any girls in here."

I feel offended. I retort. "Well you can count yourself if you want. You run like a girl anyways."

"H-how did you know that?" He stammers.

"I know sources." I then realize I'm getting sucked in. He's pulling me in without even trying. Please, don't make me like you....

"I....have to take a shower." I lie. "You need to leave."

He nods. "By the way, Nunnally wants me to ask you if you could come over some time. Apparently she thinks your my girlfriend."

I don't answer. He leaves and I feel I did the right thing by letting him off easy.

---

I remember a day where my mother was once nice. It was a week before she started to torment me and ruin my very existence. I was under a cherry blossom tree observing the middle school section of Ashford Academy. My mother accompanied me and held my hand as we explored the prestigious school where Elevens and Brittanians coexisted in a somewhat version of harmony.

She gripped my hand tighter and gave off a pleasant smile. _'Cecaniah, dear. This is where you will go to school this year.'_

I nodded and smiled._ 'It's very big. I think I might get lost.' _I admitted. She only grinned and pulled me into a hug. _'My little girl is growing so fast.' _I was embarrassed and quickly pulled out of the hug. Then a woman with long black hair wearing elaborate clothing then started to talk to my mother while I went to explore the school more. I had bumped into a brunette eleven that day who had been doodling in the corner. '_Oh, sorry_.' I apologized. He laughed. '_It's fine. Hey do you know why snow is white_?' It was a question that made me tilt my head. '_Because it's frozen water_?' He laughed more. '_No_,' He replied. '_It's because it has lost it's color and forgotten who it was.'_

_-------_

I peeked my eyes open to an bright ray of sunshine that glittered through the glass window. It was Saturday which meant no school and the perfect opportunity to explore the building. I opened the window and stepped onto i's ledge. I was so high up. I could see many colored cars speeding away on the Avenue. My toes reacted violently to the cold ledge and I jumped which almost made me lose balance. I felt high like I was on drugs when the wind hit my face. I was free.

-------

It wasn't until today that I had paid any attention to Suzaku Kurugi. He was a part of the student council sure, but he was also an Eleven who held no concern to me. That was until I saw him and Lelouch chatting away carelessly and reminiscing over the past. They were old time friends to be exact so I had heard from Kallen. Shirley then popped up from behind me.

"Hi there Cecaniah! Whatcha doing?" She then noticed me staring at Suzaku and Lelouch. "Oh, you like Suzaku? Well he is single. You two would be perfect for each other!" I couldn't help to hear bitterness and her implying '_Yeah, go out with Suzaku so I can have Lelouch for myself!' _

"No thanks." I played along. "I'm not into Brunnetes. I like jet black better."

"Well, er..." She looked surprised. "I mean you know Lelouch's hair isn't really black?"

I smile. "Oh really?"

"Y-yeah." She stutters while twirling a peice of her bright orange hair. "It's actually....er...pink!"

I chuckle lightly. "Yeah, well you want to know what Lelouch told me?"

"W-what?"

I then walk up to her and whisper in her ear. "Your hair is not orange, but is actually black. As I said I like Jet Black." She blushes ten shades of red and as I walk away I fake blow a kiss. I chuckle as I see her nearly turn into a tomato.

---

I felt empty. They could fit in so perfectly and interact without concern. The student council could all talk and laugh to each other as though nothing in the world that was wrong existed. All they focused on was today while I focused on the past. I was jealous. How could they be so open and free while I was nearly on the verge of closing myself off entirely everyday. Lelouch even seemed to enjoy his company as Kallen lightly punched his arm and laughed. I was once again jealous, but not in a way of opportunity, but in a way of possessiveness. How could he act like that around females, but not me? How could I not act that way around him, but they could? The situation was complex. They chuckled merrily and talked about meaningless matters like homework assignments and festivals. They talked like it was something important. I stared at him. When he caught me staring at him he stared back. Blankness was all that was inside his eyes. We stood staring unblinking, and I felt the world turn grey and white while we were the only ones in color.

Shirley then wrapped her arm around him which made me blink and pull me out of the trance.

Lelouch chuckled. "Shirley, get off!"

"Aw, come one Lelouch!" She moans. "You weren't even paying attention to what I was saying."

"Yes I was."

"Then what was I saying, huh?"

He silenced and the student council laughed at his silent response.

When we walked out of the classroom he was waiting for me. Don't make me fall for you Lelouch. Anything but that.

"Your friends are rather abusive."

He seems calm. "They're nice. You should make friends with them too."

"Tell me Lelouch, why do you hide yourself from them? Your true identity."

"Well...." He leans against the wall. "It would hurt them. They would constantly be worried and in the line of fire."

"Not zero, you fool." I spit out. "I know you're hiding something more important."

He tenses. "I'm....not."

"Don't act like I'm an imbecile. There must be a reason for your hatred towards Brittania."

"I don't hate Brittania." He walks away. "I hate the emperor."

----

The Chinese Confederation was hidden in an underground railway that had been abandoned for months. I was prepared just in case. I had strapped myself with guns and grenades and had decided to wrap all signs of evidence who I really was by adding another white cloth around me. The man had led me to a doorway that was sealed shut with wire and metal. "Li Xingke! Li Xingke! Open up! We have the female member of the Black Knights!"

Suddenly the ground shook and the wires were pulled back into metal frames and the metal over it was positioned and emerged into the door. The Chinese confederation werent so stupid after all. Inside was a group of men and women all wearing masks and sitting on opposite sides of a large mahogany table. "Welcome Double Zero."

Suddenly they all pulled out guns.


	5. enjoys

So it was intended as a trap now was it? I had expected this much from The Chinese Confederation. They were known for being the most hostile and secretive organization of the New Millennium. Lelouch had warned me of such. I was prepared though and what they had expected and even Lelouch had expected was far more detailed then he had said. He had said to bring guns and a few hand grenades with me, but he didn't expect my surprise.

The guns pointed at me and aimed with such precision.

Then I opened up my white leather jacket I was wearing and strapped around every inch of my curves were explosives. They were all strapped to me and if they had shot me the explosives would go off killing me and the Chinese Confederation.

They all gasped.

"Now," I said. "If you want to talk matters over now would be the time...." I then reached for the explosives. "Unless...."

A man with long hair stepped forward and chuckled freely. "Who knew the Black Knights had such risky members."

"And you are sir?"

"Li Xingke."

"You mean Li Xingke's decoy."

He chuckled again. "My are you smart."

"No." I say. "Just not stupid."

"And modest!"

Another man steps forward and this is the real Li. He smiles with enthusiasm, but concern for my explosives. I would be too.

I smile a generous smile. "Hello, Li. Would you mind talking in private?"

-------

I returned to Lelouch with utter confidence and imperiousness that even Lelouch could notice it. I walked over casually while we both were not in costume and noticed the little bounces in my step. I was excited that I had achieved. So...this was the feeling of success? Powerful? Wise? I certainly felt so. Lelouch smirked a little guessing that I had scored.

"How did it go?" He asks while sitting down on the creme colored sofa. I grab a piece of pizza and begin on a gluttonous rampage of the conquest of pizza.

"Pizza for victory." I say and he takes that as a yes.

"What exactly happened?"

I smile and let down my pizza. "Well, first they tried to kill me..."

"They did?" Blink. Blink.

"Yes," I sigh. "I was....well equipped though." I didn't mention how I was. "Then me and Li Xingke talked over the situation and a huge debate erupted from the Chinese Confederation. Because the debate led to nowhere the decision was left up to Li Xingke."

"In which you used your geass?" He asks.

"Didn't have to." I smirk. "Turns out Li Xingke was already infatuated with me. Apparently he likes my brave and scheming personality."

Lelouch goes silent. I don't see why that bothers him so much. Or...maybe I do, but it's better not to admit it. I picked some gooey cheese off of my pizza and lick the red tomato sauce on the bottom.

"Then...what?" He asks. I hear him tense at the last part.

"Oh, we traded."

"You _traded? _Traded _what?_"

"Me."

Lelouch gets up and hurriedly runs to the next room. I follow behind him keeping a safe distance. "It's only for a week."

"What if I need you during that week?" He keeps walking without even looking at me.

I glare. "I'm sure Li will let me see you if it's anything important. I can see you during school hours, too."

"No," He keeps fuming. "The student council gets a week off. This week!"

I stop him mid track and get in his way. "What is your _problem?_ I mean did you just wake up this morning and have PMS? Huh?"

He ignores me. "Were meeting with Li Xingke. We'll make a different arrangement!"

"What's wrong with this arrangement?"

"What do you _like_ this arrangement?"

I stop. "Wait." He stops and turns around. I feel my breathing stop. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. "Could you be....jealous?"

He blinks. "Of course not!" I don't believe him.

"Then give me one reason this trade doesn't work."

He doesn't answer me again and walks out of the room. I stand there looking at the closed door. He had been jealous and I fully wanted to believe that he wasn't. The truth however shone like sun rays on glass that made pretty rainbow colors that shine in the midst. I can't say I wasn't exactly saddened by his jealousy. Actually I was rather the opposite of sad that he was jealous. I felt like dancing and jumping and twirling, but the truth of the reality is I can't be. The monster in me wants him to hold me and be jealous while common sense tells different.

-----

Throughout the week before I saw Li Xingke me and Lelouch kept our distance. Scowling, glaring, and morbid silence was the only communication him and me shared. Shirley was all too pleased by our little fight. Although she didn't exactly know the stem to our fight or the poison of our relationship it all didn't matter to her. I had guessed she thought I had done something to mess up our 'relationship' by testing my fidelity. I imagine her gossiping with Milly over the matter by bringing up such a subject like:

'Oh, my It's Lelouch....without Cecaniah!' Then a conversation would start and rumors would pour out of her mouth like a broken dam.

Milly although not as annoying and spiteful as Shirley brought up the topic with me more directly before starting false rumors.

'Hey, Cecaniah are you and Lelouch fighting?' She would ask. I would smile and say something teasing.

'Yes, it appears he was comparing my bust line to other girls.'

Milly understood completely.

Suzaku was surprisingly concerned, too. What was_ it _with these people?

"Relationship troubles?"

I stared bluntly at him and in an indifferent tone answered. "No. Not really."

"You know," He sits beside me. "Talking always helps me."

"That's great," I encourage. "But I don't think I'm the same way."

"Humans are humans."

"Only in Japan?" I chuckle. "Not at all. Your either Eleven or Brittanian. No one will ever get over racial reviews so long as arrogance exists."

He smiles. "I...want to change that."

"I've observed."

We sit in silence. The silence was so irritating now. Lelouch and me? Silent. No words to be spoken. Suzaku and me? Still silence and we barely even know eachother. Suzaku grabs my shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry. If Lelouch is smart he'll apologize."

"Who says- who says he's the one who needs to apologize?"

He just smiled and walked off.

----

I have multiple hypothesis and data on Lelouch's attachment to me. Not to be egotistical, but I wasn't ugly. Some men referred to me as remarkably beautiful. So if Lelouch was shallow like I had not perceived then of course he would attach himself to me.

My second hypotheses was that he made a fake and imaginary Cecaniah in his brain that gave him attachment. I had various other ideas, but of course It was all rather dumb and with every speculation it got even dumber. I mean what sane man falls for someone like....like me? Maybe it was pity that made him grow fond of me or a half-baked nature.

It was the only thing that seemed logical.

I ponder these things over not noticing my mothers fatigue as she leans over the stove. "Ne," She says which makes me lift my head eagerly. Maybe a good beating or two would shift my mind out of the gutters. "Cecaniah."

"Yes, mother?"

"Clean the whole house."

"Yes."

"With your toothbrush."

"Okay."

"And if it's not spotless prepare for the worst." Her eyes dart towards a belt that lays on the lacey pink couch.

"Yes, mother."

She's confused by my odd behavior.

"Moth-mother...." I say. "There's this school field trip this weekend and...."

"Do I have to sign anything?" She asks gruffly.

"No."

She nods. I see her walk to her room still in mild confusion of my newly reformed attitude.

----

I pretend that I'm like an Olympic God when I walk into the Chinese Confederation hideout. Lelouch, well Zero, felt he needed to accompany me. He was being rather clingy. The Chinese Confederation, of course looked at Zero with admiration as though it was serendipity that brought him here. Infuriated as I was flattered by his odd manner I kept my distance and made known that he would not be forgiven for acting like such a child. Zero stopped mid track as he spotted Li Xingke.

"Zero." Li acknowledged.

"Li Xingke." Zero spat out.

I felt tension rise so I interrupted. "Men. If you are idling what serves your purpose to this meeting?"

"She's right." Zero says gruffly. "We must speed up this meeting."

"Yes."

Eyes wander to us as we descend into a dark room filled with chinese wallpaper and dim lighten candles.

We sit down and glance at each other as we wait for one to bring up the topic.

"So," Li says finally. "Double Zero tells me you need my assistance in a recent mission. Againt the Brittanain forces I suppose?"

"Only a small fraction and yes."

"Well I said I would help."

"I know that." Zero says he leans back in his seat. "But I would like to make a different bargain."

"Zero." I warn.

"A different bargain?" Li seems like this is a challenge. "I only want to spend some precious time with Double Zero."

"I might need her during that _precious_ time." What was with the edginess in his tone? He should know by now that in order to get something you don't use a sharp tongue.

"Why? Is it because she's _precious_?" Li had finally said what it was. He was driving Lelouch to the edge.

"No," Lelouch corrects. "She's only a precious peice of how I will defeat Brittania."

Silence. I had never felt so...damaged, dissapointed, displeased, woed....tortured like I did now. I knew too well of the greif that came from love. I fell to hard and wished for him to fix me, but all he did was break me. He was my mother, but in a different way. She would hurt me out of pleasure and physically torment me while he did it out of normality, lack of interest, and mentally. Well not so mentally anyways. My heart was throbbing outside of my chest, my hands were tingling, and my head was sore with so many thoughts of misfortune. Surely they could see the signs of my distress, but they didn't look like anything weird was happening.

They continued on with the conversation, but I was still incoherent. The only thing I had heard was _"She's only a precious piece of how I will defeat Brittania."_

-----

I took off my gypsy outfit and underneath was a plain black dress. Lelouch took off his Zero oufit and underneath was his school outfit. I had barely payed any attention to any of the events since then. I was nothing to him really, but a pawn. Somehow, I think I always knew.....

"Cecaniah."

I barely turned my head around to greet Lelouch. He looked rather....unreadable at this moment.

"Hm?" I don't think I have the ability to speak.

"Since I was able to make a different bargain with Li Xingke we can spend more time sharing the plan of our next...."

"Lelouch." I choked out. "I...I don't feel like it now. I'm too tired."

"Yeah, the ride back was long.....two hours and all...."

I nodded illogically and headed towards the door before a hand caught mine. I didn't have to look. It was Lelouch obviously.

"Where are you going?"

I tilted my head. "Home. To sleep."

"You can't. You'll fall asleep on the way there. Something could happen."

"Oh _yes_." I said darkly. "Because if anything happened to your precious _pawn _than you could never defeat Brittania."

I hadn't realized what I had said until I saw the features shift on his face. Then it sunk in and I wanted to hide.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks while letting go of my hand and gripping my shoulders.

"It means I'm going to rest, now let go."

"Not until you answer my question."

"Two words. Two words Lelouch. Let. Go."

"Cecaniah!"

"Should I make it three? Let go now?"

"You know you always do this!"

"Do what?"

"Never explain yourself to me!"

"Well your no open book either."

"Mn? Onii-sama?"

We stop fighting and glance at Nunnally as she yawns sleepily. Her hair is in a twisted mess of golden locks and shes so tires she's almost falling asleep out of her wheel chair. "Who is that? Is that your girlfriend?"

----

_**Yes I know it sucks terribly, but in truth I just wanted to get it over with. Here Is a preview for my next story. It's Kallen x Suzaku, Lelouch x CC, and Anya x Gino.**_

_**-**_

_**-**_

_**-**_

It wasn't an intention that was thought to be harmless, but was.

**"You know what Kururugi?**

Hell, if I knew such a war was going to start I wouldn't have said that!

**You may think your some kind of god,**

I may have just felt victorious that day as I gave him my triumphant smirk.

**But do you really want to know what you are?**

But I was eons away from ever winning against him.

**Your just a whiny rich kid from Hades underworld."**

Now, I'm against all odds and attempting to win a battle where I have no chance. None at all.


	6. Pain

_Sorry chapter sucked. Been busy with my birthday. Etc. Grammer sucks. Deal with it._

----

-----

-----

Nunnally I had always been fond of, but in this instant I couldn't say I felt the same. Sure, the child was innocent, but she had made me feel more accommodated then I should. Lelouch stares at her unable to speak words. And also...did she just say 'Girlfriend?' I already knew Lelouchs answer however. One that was heart breaking and relieving. _'No_,' He would probably say. '_She's just a pawn in my quest to annihilate Brittania.' _Well, basically that's what I was wasn't I?

"N-Nunnally! What are you doing up?" Lelouch stammers. I see him glance sideways at me.

Nunnally lets out a yawn and messes with her golden hair. "I had heard Onii-Sama talking when I was in bed. I went to check what it was, but I didn't expect you had guests." I see her smile. It's so hard _not_ to love Nunnally. She was an angel it would seem and the closest thing to heavenly as any of the earth scums who dwell on this earth. How could you lie to such a fragile porcelain like herself?

All warm and sweet.

"Don't worry." I sigh. "I'll be leaving soon."

Noticing my voice she then perks up. "Cecaniah? Is that you?" She grabs my hand which I don't pull away. She then lifts my cold hand to her nose and gives it a whiff. "Lavendar. It is you!"

Lelouch eyes us two, wondering our meeting and relations to eachother I guess.

"Yes."

"Oh," She cries. "Please stay Cecaniah! We can make origami together and I can get Sayoko to make us tea!"

I stare at her. I couldn't resist. I wanted to say something like 'Maybe some other time.' Or 'Sorry your brother is a pig head.'

I don't though. "Just for half an hour."

She seems delighted by my response and Lelouch for some peculiar reason is also delighted by my response. I still hadn't forgotten though of what I was to him. He was probably only gratful that I'm giving his sister deserved attention.

We had fresh brewed tea and discussed unimportant matters such as school and the teachers and the weather. Nunnally mainly talked, Lelouch backed up her answers, and I listened. I had no role in the conversation except as the observer.

"I can't wait for the lilacs to finally go in bloom!" Nunnally exclaims excitedly. "They smell so good!"

Lelouch smiles. "I'll remember to get you some next time."

Nunnally nods then she lifts her heads and asked a heartbreaking question. "What's your favorite flower Cecaniah?" Never before had I ever been asked about what I liked. No one really cared about my opinion. Even if it was just simple and easy to answer.

I blush and look down. I felt like I was going to cry. Luckily, I held it back though and answered: "Apple Blossoms. I like Apple Blossoms."

"Oh, yes! I remember they used to be the color of snow except pinker." She sighed dreamily as though remembering the old days when she could see.

"Nunnally," Lelouch slides his hand over hers and says gently. "I think it's time you go to bed."

"Well, I am rather tired." Nunnally smiles. "Maybe Sayoko will tuck me in."

"Maybe." He agrees.

"Goodnight, C.C." C.C..... It sounded so luminous on her tongue. I usually got annoyed if anyone called me by my initials, but I didn't mind if she happened to say it.

"Goodnight." She left us with bitter silence. In truth, I wish she could have stayed a little longer. Not just because she held a conversation, but also because I gradually enjoyed her company. I slid my hand around the tea cup and gave a long sip. An excuse to not acknowledge his presence. Lelouch does the same.

"Cecaniah." My eyes lifted slowly to Lelouch. His face is twisted in unknown appeasement. I had given his sister a friend. He had given me a reason to live. It was awkward how very few words could make you appreciate things you never thought to appreciate. I in truth had a friend. Two friends to be exact. Our extent to our relationship as he had claimed was a partnership. I knew better.

Though I could not give us the relationship category of soulmate I summarized it into one word. Friend.

I felt warm inside. I was no longer mad at Lelouch. His word did burn through me like the cigarettes my mom sketched into my skin. But even with just that the extent of our relationship being partners was fulfilling. It was enough to make me turn my head away when I gazed at the knife that I had carved into my wrists.

"Yes, Lelouch?" I smiled. I was lukewarm. I was almost free from this bitter frigidness that held me in ice.

He was surprised by my action. I had never showed any signs of happiness. "Thank you."

I nodded. "For what you ignorant boy? Our you finally downsizing your ego to let someone else feel glorious for a change?"

"I'm ignoring that comment." He sighed. He walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. It sounded business like, but the gesture seemed...personal. "Thank you. For....letting Nunnally....experience friendship outside of me."

I shrugged his shoulder off. I knew if he kept it there I would want more. I was greedy. "I have to go Lelouch."

"I'll walk you."

"I'm capable."

"I never said you weren't."

I sighed and resigned. "Fine. You can't come inside the house though."

He understood. Who knew what surprises awaited me home.

----

My mother was skeptical. She had noticed my long periods of absences. She had the scissors in her hand and started to dig the sharp edge into the wooded table. She wrote: _Mar_ and apparently she wasn't done. I had wondered if she was actually trying to carve in murder and maybe mispelled it, but she seemed to...profound for such.

"Sit down." She demanded. I crept into the chair and folded my hands. Fear overwhelmed my body.

"Your mother was such a fool." She kept on carving into the wood until she made a deep _i_. "If she had actually given you proper punishment you wouldn't be such a whore."

I stared. "Whore?"

"I know what you have been doing, Cecaniah." She hissed. "Sleeping around with countless men. It only too well explaines why you're always out so much."

"I haven't..."

"Silence!" I felt something like wind and bricks hit my face. It burned like hell. She had slapped me and planned to torment me more. She was superior and I was once again the weakling. "I didn't want to have to do this. You made me. You made me." I backed up against the wall as she dragged me to her homemade strappado. The worst torture device I could have ever witnessed in my sixteen years of living. Or as I preferred to say undead.

----

It hurt. Every piece of me lay broken. My arms bled and were sore like rocks had been pressured onto them. I cried, I wept, I sobbed, I sniffled, I died. I died again. Not as though my soul had left my body and had entered the afterlife, but my soul had lost a peice and fell down into nothingness. It fell like tears. It was like that one song. I live to die another day. That was the best example I could give. My hands were clammy and fell lightly against my side. I went out to the kitchen to get some water and my eyes landed on the table that had words carved on it from earlier.

_Marianna._

----

School was a blur. I only remember walking like a zomble around campus. Marrianna. I had heard that name before. The name had captivated my very attention throughout school. I had not even noticed the constant stares that looked my way until Shirely pointed it out.

"Cecaniah." My eyes lifted to Shirley as she ate a Crepe and rolled her eyes. "People are looking at you."

I don't answer. She annoys the hell out of me. Although I do rather enjoy toying with out budding blossom, I prefer today to not even acknowledge her existence. She seems dissatisfied.

"Did you hear me?" She demands. I don't speak.

"You know you're very rude." She huffs. "Lulu on the other hand actually answers you back and doesn't act like a snobby old prick." That hurt. Not really, but I have a feeling she's glorified that she can actually pull off an insult without looking like a poser. I'll give her her so called victory for today, but that's because I feel too unobservant and dreary today to make her presence meaningful.

"Do you even want to know _why_ everyone's looking at you?" She asks. "It's because ther're wondering about your arms. They're purple, bruised, and have multiple cuts on them. Did you do something emo again?"

"_No_," I say sarcastically. "I only maybe hung them from the ceiling fan and _waited _to see how long it would take for them to not fall off."

Shirley's mouth drops. Obviously the girl can't take a joke. "Tha-that is so sick!" She hurries off, but not before brushing past Suzaku who is walking towards me.

"Wow," He comments stiffly. "She seems mortified."

"Yeah," I say. "Only because I smashed her poor little dreams by telling her _Lulu_ was gay."

He chuckles.

"Whose gay?" We both turn out head to Lelouch. He seems a little pissed off. Not to state the obvious, but it seems like a rather bad idea to make homosexuall jokes about Lelouch. We wouldn't want to hurt his insanely big ego now would we? Well maybe you don't, but I for one do.

"Hello." Suzaku smiles. A tension raises between Suzaku and Lelouch. Like some sort of rivalry or clashing opinions. I had always tried to understand their situation, but of course such was unexplainable. I had no problem with unexplainable.

"Oh," I smirked. "I was just telling Suzaku-_kun_ that your known to be a playboy. A _gay_ playboy. Actually it was more of a warning."

Lelouch growls. "How could I be gay when I'm dating _you?"_ He was backfiring at me. Suzaku meanwhile was listening intently as though over the radio they announced World War Three. Why would he pretend to date me though? I'm guessing it was the only explainable reason why we were around eachother so much.

"Dating me?" I ask. "Is that what it is? You thought me watching you hit on every guy is dating? Suzaku-_kun_ bring out the chick flicks."

"Um," Suzaku interrupts and puts a hand between us. He smiles. "No mean to interrupt a lovers quarrel, but the bell is about to ring." Lovers quarrel? I some how liked the sound of that. I scowled at myself. I should never think like that again.

---

I was to stay behind as Lelouch planned to head on head combat with the Brittanian forces. It was just as well. I do remember him saying something along the lines of 'will not face direct confrontation and such and such, but I was too busy centralizing my attention on the gooey pizza that was being consumed by me. Ah, the jubilant pleasures of Pizza Hut pizza.

I was terribly bored, too. I had meanwhile was forced to spend my entire day with mother.

She grooms a pigeon that has landed on my window ceil and smiled warmly like spring. I wanted to kill her. Emotion surged through me. I was as usual submissive and nonchalant acting. Today I would wear my facade while tomorrow I would hope for the tiniest ounce of time with Lelouch.

My eyes wander around our house. It's clean which is scarce to find. I felt indolent. I wanted to rest for the end of eternity. She however would not let me do so. I was cinderella. Hopefully Lelouch was my prince. I once again scowled at myself. The thought of it was farcicial.

"Cecaniah, dear." Mother asks. I quail. "Why ever are you making weird faces?"

"I...I'm...sorry, mother."

"Come here. Come sit on my lap." She says. I hesitate. Thats just what she wants. "Cecaniah." She says a little sternly which makes me rush over to her. I place myself on her lap and cradle myself like a newborn child. I was afraid.

She began to rock me back and forth and sing a familiar tune.

"_Cradle, my baby_

_Why do you not sleep?_

_I wish to see you_

_Rest, rest so deep_

_In the garden_

_I'll meet you tomorrow_

_Just sleep til I see you_

_fell into deep sorrow."_

I lift my head gently. My eyes wavering over her. "Rememeber Cecaniah? I used to sing this to you when you were a baby."

I nod. What was happening? Was...she...changing? Impossible.

"You used to love it. I used to cradle your head against my chest and in a few moments you would fall straight to sleep." This was the moment she ruined it. I felt something prickly touch my neck.

"Unfortunately." She sighs. The prickle thing bursts into my skin. It's sharp and I find myself gasping. "This sleep will be a little bit deeper." I quiver, but find myself flinging away from her and pushing away whatever item she had in her hand. It was a needle.

I touch the back of my neck and feel a wet liquid driping slowly to the collar of my dress. It's blood.

Mother turns to me, flaring. "Cecaniah! You disobediant child!"

I back away slowly as she advances towards me then turn around and run. I jump out of the window as I hear mothers screams.

"You insolent child! COME BACK HERE!" I don't and with a 'thud' I fall to the ground and run away. I needed to get away.

I needed Lelouch.

-----

There he was. Zero. I gasp in shock as I see him and run towards him. He looks surprised to see me. Even more surprised I'm not in my disguise. We were in an area that was only covered in brown hard rocks and thick layers of moss growing on them.

"Lelouch!" I run into him. I clasp my arms around him and sob into his chest. Relentlessly even though I see I'm giving him a sign of affection, I push it away and continue to hold onto him as though he were a lifeboat and I was a castaway, thrown out to sea.

"Cecaniah! You can't be here!" He nearly shouts. "And wheres your double zero oufit? Also were in the middle of a battle and it's really reckless to just..."

I sniffle then push away. "You know," I wipe my eyes and turn around. "You really know how to greet a girls hugs." I say sarcastically and turn away from him embarrased

"Hold on." He says. "Were you...crying? And...why are you here?"

"J..just leave me alone." I mutter. I was extremely pissed off now. I had expected him to solace me in my time of need, but life was unforgiving and Lelouch was a pig-head. Still, I was happy....he was here.

"Was it your...mother?" I flinch and don't respond. Instead I redirect the question onto a different matter. One I had heard along time ago....

"Lelouch?" I say. "Do you know why the snow is white?" What had made me say that? Even I don't know.

He looks at me dubious and is about to respond when....

**BAM!** (A/n: Onomatopoeia baby. Lol XD)

We both stumble around for awhile and look mystified at each other. Suddenly, a knightmare comes from the ground and starts to aim missiles at us. I get a quick enough glimpse of it to see a white fancy knightmare being piloted with such expertise.

Luckily he can't notice me because Lelouch is covering me with his cape. We both gasp as another missile aims for us, but instead hits by a nearby rock. We both get the signal to run and both head for a nearby cave until the knightmare is suddenly in front of us. I feel terrified. Lelouch the same.

Then abruptly another knightmare- this time pink and red smashes into the white knightmare. It's Kallen. Though that doesn't stop the white knightmare from harming us. It smashes both of his fists in the ground and suddenly, rocks from underneath us shatter and start to fall. My first instinct was to hide, but I had chosen another path. An unthinkable path. I had gotten in front of Lelouch before the rocks could reach us. Rocks then pushed into my skin and it felt as though a million of my moms needles had splintered inside of me. My skin felt like lava was pouring out from it, but instead it was hot blood. My blood.

"Cecaniah!" Lelouch shouted. The two lancelots were out of sight now and as I presumed were in a raging conflict of violence. I didn't care though. I collapsed on the ground not before Lelouch had gripped my hair and pulled me towards him. I closed my eyes.

I was going to die and as I said before, I would welcome it. I always will. For now I had felt the strings that held me to this earth pull slightly and then loosen. My wish. He had fulfilled it without the intention of doing so. I wanted to thank him, but my lips couldn't move. I felt too fatigued.

When I opened my eyes again I waited to greet the afterlife. Heaven or Hell? It didn't matter to me. But....why could I still see Lelouch. I was in a different environment though and the room was completely white. Maybe I did by some chance make it to this proclaimed heaven.

"Cecaniah."

I quickly shot up, but then clutched my side. It hurt, but there was no blood. It was covered with white wrapping cloth and I had various chords attached to me. I was in a hospital. I quickly shuffled around and held the blanket close to me. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Your not dead." Lelouch says taking a seat next to me.

I scoot away. "I can see that." I huff. "Why did you save me? You should have left me there! I was supposed to die!"

Lelouch seems confused then I cover my mouth. I had just revealed part of our contract.

"You wanted...to die?" He croaks. I downcast my eyes. I didn't want to submit myself to him. He knew I wasn't going to answer his question and instead said. "You saved me."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because," I sigh. "Were...partners."

That was half true at least. I can't even grasp why I had done something so reckless. Rocks had penetrated through me, I had bled, and all for him. This must be love. Ot just plain foolishness.

"Cecaniah?"

"Mm?"

"Don't be such a half-wit next time."

I grimaced. "A simple 'thank-you' would be nice."

We looked at each other, unsmiling. I dared to smile just a little, just so he knew I was okay, but instead gave an uncivil shove in his direction. "Get off the bed. It's cramped." I push him off and he lands on the floor, but oddly doesn't seem irritated. He seems rather amused.

"Good to see you have your strength back." Lelouch remarks. Was he happy? Was he happy I was in good health? That splintered through the core of my heart. Unlike the needles my mother had tried to insert into me, this was a good feeling.

I shuddered thinking of my mother. Speak of the devil. My mother is right in the waiting room and now entering through the door. I brace my legs together in fear. Hadn't I already had enough near death experiences today?

"Hello, Cecaniah dear. I'm glad your fine." She locks eyes with Lelouch and gives him this look. A look thats protective and kind. "Thank you." She says in her fake-phony-motherly-voice. "Without you Cecaniah could be...."

"Dead." Lelouch answers fiercely. "Yes, I know. The Black Knights almost killed her when they created a rock avalanche. Lucky she was one of the few civilians who weren't injured." So that was his story. It seemed convincing enough. Then he added on. "Either way you would kill her anyways."

I stopped breathing.

Mother chuckled. "Why, yes. Of course Cecaniah has_ told _you. Now, if you don't mind I would like a minute alone with my daughter."

"No." Lelouch retorts, but instead I tug on Lelouchs shoulder and give him a pleading look. I needed to face my fears.

He looks back and forth between me and my mother, then leaves the room. I can handle this. I am strong.

"Hello," I smile. "Mother...or should I..I say Marianna?"


	7. and

_Bye, bye Arthur. I like this chapter. I notice my story isn't really famous, so Chapter 8 will be the last chapter. Song inspiration? 10 years- wasteland. _

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I felt empty. I did not feel betrayed, resentment, or provoked in any way. Just empty. You would think I would feel some sort of emotion from an ordeal such as this. No, I had felt nothing. Was I such a heartless swine that I did not even feel a tad bit emotional when confronting a person who was inflicting pain on me, but was not in fact my mother? No, I couldn't be. I still felt the throbbing of my heart when I was around Lelouch, and the loath I had for Shirley, and the annoyace of the Student Counicl. Good. I wasn't a complete monster at least.

She was, however. I had remembered when I was just entering Ashford and I saw the elegant looking woman. Now it made sense. My perception of my abuse had changed. I had let a complete stranger agonize me. Somehow Marianna had become my mom and somehow my mom was still present in her. My mind shifted to when Marianna was drunk. My real mother had reached out to me and begged me to end her existence. For my sake. How hard it was to endure the trauma over and over again of feeling as though my mother didn't feel any amount of solicitude towards me, when in fact she was willing to perish for me.

Marianna was not my mother, and I was not her daughter. I knew that now. I will be okay.

"So...it took you four long years to figure it out?" Marianna teases. I look up at her. I see her as Marianna now. Not my self-sacrificing mother.

"Yes," I look down. "How you became mother escapes me, but what I do know now is we no longer have any attachment."

"We do as a matter of fact. Or one day we will anyways." She does not sit down, because she is not welcome to. "Never."

"Whether you like it or not you will one day be held to me as a daughter."

I glare. I glare so hard I feel my eyes burn with actual hatred. My feeling of nothingness was gone. "I would rather die." "Well," She rests against the wall and smirks. "I tried to do that earlier, but then you had to go run off and join Lelouch in his little game of 'Lets Be Stupid and Fight Against the Emperor.'"

Time stops.

She knew. I grip my blanket to me and inhale. I had to lie somehow. "What are you talking about you old hag?"

"You very well know, you moronic child." She sneers. "Your raging battle of good vs evil. Yours and Lelouchs attempt to conquer or should I say destroy?"

"How do you know that?" I gasp. Had I not been secretive? Had I not noticed how much of an entrusting job was such? I had deteriorated the trust Lelouch had for me. I had failed him.

"A mother always knows her child's goals."

"Your not my mother!"

Then she said it. "I never said I was referring to you."

I suck in a long breath. It takes it awhile to process through my brain. Then I knew. A horrid truth that would forever end my sanity. A truth so vulgar, you wanted to cry in to hysterics. It can't be true! It just couldn't.

Lelouch could no way be Marianna's son.

"Liar!" I holler. Please, don't be correct. Please, just let this be one of her demented games.

"Oh, really?" She asks. Then my eyes shine. I felt tears streaming down my face and land on the white sheets that covered me. How could it not be true? They had the same facial feautures, the same hair, the same aristocratic behavior....But Lelouch wouldn't do that would he? He couldn't. Of course, he would though. He deceived his friends, his sister, and everyone else who held importance to him. How could he do that to me though? Why would he let his mother hurt me over and over again?

I blinked back tears, then jumped of my bed, and glided past Marianna. In the waiting room I saw Lelouch, Kallen, and Milly. When Lelouch saw me running and crying he gripped my shoulder and eyed me. "What happened?" He demanded.

I shook him off. Then, in a blur of raging emotions I lifted my hand and slapped his face. He, like the others, seem stunned.

"As if you don't know!" I glared. I then pushed him against the wall and looked down. I couldn't bare to look at his face. "You and your filthy mother torturing me to death! I don't know why you would do such a thing, but all I do know is your a sick uncaring bastard!" Before he could get in the tinciest word, I fled to the hospital exit. Why me? Why?

As I stood in the rain it concealed my tears. Every last tear that fell was hidden by the immense downpour of blinding water, and for that I was happy. Nothing, however could replace the pain I had endured today. I huddled my knees together, and dug my nails into my arm until it bled. Why Lelouch betrayed me? I had no idea, but this I knew. I was dead. Did he find it amusing, self satisfying when he saw me in pain? Did he laugh at it when I was vulnerable? Did he smile when I cried?

I leaned over the edge of the railing and pressed my body firmly to it. I did not know where I was at this moment, but what I did know was I was far away from him. I am still willing to go farther. I spread my arms, stood firmly, and let the wind push me over. I felt it shove me and my dress, drenched in water weighing me down like bricks. I was almost there. I felt my balance crumble and my world on the verge of eternal collapse. I was falling off the railing and I didn't care. I would end this now.

Arms, warm and firm, held onto my side and pulled me back. I was startled, but didn't care who was holding me and keeping me from my rotten death. Tears drizzled down my cheek as the figure pulled me over the ledge. I didn't even get to look at the persons face. I always perpetually wanted to scream out my problems that it was preposterous and now I did.

"Let me go! Let me go, goddamn you! LET ME DIE!" I struggled. "I have no reason to live here, you lurid son of a..."

"Cecaniah!" I was reeled til I faced a somber Suzaku. He was the one who stopped my fate. I hit him and pounded on him and sniveled into his shirt til I felt myself blackout into the darkness of sleep.

Why had he let me live? What was everyone stimulus by letting me suffer? Those sadists. They loved to see me vulnerable and helpless. They did not coerce me, but why had they taken such a step that they would let me anguish in despair? Why had Lelouch, my love, my probing elitist, my friend, allow a chrone to kill me over and over again with thoughts of death and desire of love? He was so trusting, so perfect. Why had he hurt me? I know I deserve some sort of happiness, dammit. Eradicate me will you, but please don't enchant me. Because that one will hurt the most.

I lay across a large comfy bed with bleakness being my only emotion. I could not cry anymore. Suzaku, my _savior_, stares at me with no words. I hold my breath trying to suffocate myself. When Suzaku sees me start to turn blue he rushes towards me and places his lips on mine. I don't care for the taste. The only thing I notice is hes blowing air into me. He's keeping me alive. My eyes wander to the sky. It felt grayer now then ever before. When his lips pull away I feel him observe me. I detested the way he looked at me as though I was an alien or didn't belong. I sure felt that why.

"Why?" He asks. "Why are you trying to kill yourself?"

My eyes go hazy and I don't move. You won't even see me blink.

"Please," He pleads. "Answer me."

I lift my head in his direction and don't speak.

"Cecaniah," He mutters angrily. "Don't do this to me. I won't let you suffocate yourself." His concern was fake. My whole life is fake and always will be. The silent treatment was my specialty. His lips were once again on mine and pushing air into my lungs. He pulls away again, but stays awfully close. He looks into my eyes, but I know all he can see is a girl with eyes of gold, nothing else. "Do you know why snow is white?" He asks.

My eyes shot up to stare at him. He was the boy I had met that one day.

"Be....cause..." I breathe. He's satisfied I can speak. "It has forgotten...who it was."

-----

Suzaku has kept by me the whole night with an eye of an eagles that ogled me with every breath I took. He fed me, well more like force fed me, let me sleep in his bed, and supplied me with unwanted oxygen. I was a burden. He had to go to school today and of course wanted me to go along.

"I'll drag you." He threatened.

"And I'll bite you." He knew I was serious so he didn't bother anymore. "Your wounds on your amrs havent healed, yet. Maybe I should miss a day." He didn't trust me. I knew he was just trying to look out for me, but I rejected his kindness until it was nearly shoved down my throat.

"No, no." I shove him out the door. "You go. Your education matters."

He begins to protest, but stops mid track and gives me a vulgar look. "Lelouch called. He wants to know where you are. Should I tell him?"

My chest tightens. No, no, no, no, don't tell him! "No!" I leap off my bed and shove Suzaku into the wall. He seems by the least frightened by my demeanor. "Don't tell him anything! Don't you dare!"

Silence. "What...happened between you two?"

"That's certainly none of your business, _Kururugi._"

"About a week ago you were purring my name as Suzaku-kun."

"Don't tell me you liked it? Sissy."

"Well I didn't unlike it."

"Oh, did it intoxicate you with lust when I said it?" I teased. That was a mistake, because when I had said it, Suzaku didn't reply. Instead his eyes downcasted onto his shoes and a little speckle of red stained his cheeks like an annoying piece of food. It was obvious Suzaku fancied me more than I would have liked. No. I couldn't do this again. Never again.

"You're gonna be late." I mumbled. "Better go now."

He nodded, still not looking at me, and left. My eyes stay glued to the door until I return my attention else wise. A cat purrs lovingly near a blue jay, and as entertainment, I set off my geass. In an instant, the cat is cuddling up against me. I enjoy it for a second. Then I get starkly bored, and dwell on Lelouch. His voice, his shiny and soft hair, his confidence in me. Why did I still think about him in this way? Why am I so trapped? Before I know it, I'm twisting hair off of the cats body. It's eyes look at me pleadingly and small hisses escape its mouth, but nothing more. The cat has black fur. Just like Lelouch's I notice. For some reason it makes me irate and I find myself tearing off clumps of fur off of the innocent cat. Before I can grasp control of my emotions, I'm already sticking the cat with nearby forks and its so captivated by me it doesn't run away. Blood stains my dress and the floor, and its not long before the cat is laying lifeless on the floor. I then bury myself in my knees and begin to sob. I've become Marianna.

----

I was forced to attend school by Suzaku who still held awkward downcast eyes. He tried to make small talk, but I either answered with short responses or 'yes' and 'no'. I felt detached and didn't even bother to eat breakfast, which was a problem for Suzaku, or comb my hair. I have no interest in my semblance today. The only thing I feel vaguely absorbed with is _him_. Wondering if _he_ is there today and if so how to confront_ him. _It's verging into me from the pit of my stomach.

The need.

I feel so disgusted with myself right now, as I walk to school I shake my head in dissaproval. Love was a sham. I haven't seen him yet, but I feel terrified as we approach the period we have together. When we confront. Maybe I'll just skip....

However, I do not. He sits there, cross legged, awaiting for me. What was his torturous game now? Humiliate the emo until she commits suicide? Ha ha. Even if in my gut feeling I feel as though he is not that way, I can't interfere emotions with logic. And logic says he a sick bastard.

"Cecaniah." He says softly. It sounded as though he was being gentle. My breathing stopped along with my heart. I can't help but stare at him. My eyes begin to water, then I quickly wipe them away and proceed to sit down. He sits right next to me.

"We can talk without being disturbed. I geassed the class into pretending we weren't even here." Lelouch says. He grabs my hand, in an act of comfort. I twitch and slap his hand away. "Sick bastard."

"What's wrong?" He groans loudly. No one of course hears even though he's said it as loud as possible. "Nothing makes sense. Why do you hate me so much?"

"As if..." I can't speak. "...Y...you have to ask."

"Apparently so. I haven't seen you in two days."

"Leave me alone."

"Cecaniah."

"Leave me alone!" I get up and explode. Lelouch gawks at me awkwardly while the geass enchanted class don't even bother to move. It was like we were invisible ghosts. "All I ever wanted....All I ever wanted was for you to kill me! I never planned to fall in love with you! WHY DO I DESERVE THIS?! I've done nothing to you! How could you and your mother...Oh my. All the hitting and depression! You enjoyed it didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!" I collapse on the floor and sure enough Lelouch is beside me.

"You....fell in love with me?"

I nod glumly into my hands.

"Your wish...was for me to kill you?"

I nod once again. Soundless as we were it felt as though we were exchanging love words such as 'I love you too' and 'I'll always be by your side, muffin.' He didn't reject me, but why did that matter? I was an object of his brutality. He then gripped my hand in his and warmth spread to my cheeks. What was this? Why was he holding my hand?

"Cecaniah...I..lov..You mentioned my mother." Lelouch states.

"Yes." I solicit. He almost said it. He almost said something that would make me cry. "How could you let her Lelouch? How could you let her hurt me?"

"Cecaniah." My eyes lift to his. "My mother's dead."


	8. oddly

_There was a reviewer who wrote to me and made sense. I am truly satisfied with my story and has, in my opinion, been my best so far. I do still hope that my fanbase grows a little and so thank 'somebody' the reviewer who inspired me to write more than just this one chapter. I do hope that your satisfied with this chapter, because my planning seriously sucked. I had anticipated the Marianna and C.c. scene and was one of my most looking forward scenes ever. I was so stupid I hadn't really planned after that. If I were to conclude the story in one chapter it probably would have ended really badly in which I would a) Kill off C.c (Cecaniah) or b) Kill Lelouch and C.c off like Romeo and Juliet style. So...yeah. I will not stop at this chapter, but it will not be a story with like 20 or more chapters seeing how I plan to make a SasuKar (Naruto) lemon story. I also plan to make a Code Geass Lolicon/Comedy story. Thanks for the comments, btw. Many people have been telling me I make people feel what Cecaniah is feeling. Those are my best reviews yet. Chapter is happier._

_So Arigato._

_Short chapter sucky chapter._

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"My mother's dead." He had said.

With that my ears shot up and my heart began to thud against my chest. It would seem that unremmitingly, the sounding of my beating heart made me feel a solid inflamation. It beat more heavily today then any other day. Surely it had to be a lie? Surely he was just joking? I wasn't at the peak of madness. I knew she was alive. She had to be! He was just fooling...wasn't he? Maybe this was just one of his dexterous plots to make me look like a fool. It had to be!

"No...she's not!" I nearly shout. She was alive! The godamn woman was taking my mothers body as hostage!

"That can't be!" Lelouch said in a aggravated tone. "I killed her myself!"

My solicitous towards Lelouch was sizzling into ash quickly. I was now feeling an deep odium. How could he not believe me? Why couldn't he trust me?

"No, you couldn't have."

"Cecaniah...I remember staining my own hands with her red oozing blood!" He shudders at the thought. "There is no way she can still be alive."

I blink. "How...could...no...." There was no way. There was no possible way. Any word he said to prove his mother was still alive would make me euphoric, but oddly Lelouch did not seem to give in. He had to say something! I was unstable at the moment and shaking in hysterics, yet he still managed to make me feel like a lunatic? What was his stimulus? What was he trying to achieve by making me fret?

"Cecaniah!" He grabs my arm and tightens his grip. "I killed her! I did so when I was nearly ten!"

"But why? She couldn't be....she's not...."

"She is." He seems pained by it, but shakes his head. "I..do you..remember my father? He...was the emperor."

My eyes shoot up and stare blankly at him.

"When..." He continues. "I was ten...my father had...given me a choice.."

"Lelouch?" I grip onto his arms comfortingly. "What are you...."

"It was either....kill my mother....or Nunnally." I froze at his words. Lelouch. Oh, Lelouch. I then completely at the moment understood Lelouch. He desired revenge towards a sadistic father. He wanted to make him pay. Lelouch gorged himself with self-hate for such acts and made a motley of ways to redeem himself. The thought of him even committing such an act was spellbinding....and sad. His life was just as cruel as mine.

"I..." Lelouch looked down. "Couldn't choose. Then..._the emperor_....broke both of Nunnally's legs before my very eyes....then he....blinded her...." He shuddered at the thought and looked up. "I...terrified...and feeling the love for my sister....killed my mother....with the cleaver he had provided me...." Then, for the first time I saw Lelouch cry. He hid his face in his hands as water leaked through his fingers.

Lelouch....I too, now hate the emperor. How could he...how could he hurt you? What have you ever done besides be a son? I love you, Lelouch. I'm burning on the inside for you. I feel like I'm you. I imagine myself in your place and terrorize myself. I'm a monster. A monster...who just wanted love. I need it. I can't survive without it, but yet I do and my insides tear apart.

I reach out...and hug him. He's cold, unlike Suzaku who was warm. That's fine. I will make him warm. I will love him...even if he's cold. He doesn't hug back until the period's almost over. That's fine. He grips onto me like a newborn searching for his mother. He needs me. I will always be there for him. Always.

----

He may not have believed me and I did not want to push him over the edge. My poor Lelouch. We talked of many things that day. Our past, our sorrow, our need for affection. It was of then that I could no longer let myself be so afraid to get close to him. We needed each other like a flower needs sun or a dancer needs music. I couldn't survive without him nor could he without I. It sounded like a sad poem of a _Romeo and Juliet _crossover. I described it more as an Edgar Allen Poe short story except woven into one. We were star struck lovers with macabre written dialogue. Both feeling the urge to break loose into society, but also the need to be sheltered in a world of Gothic concealment.

We were the grays in the colored oil painting. We stood out among most because not that we were gray, but because we held no color like the surroundings. I was tempted to kiss him at that moment and proceed in salacious activity and desires, but now was not the time. The time was to make up and reconcile our relationship.

Lelouch sits cross legged, still not recovering over his melancholy confession. I sit across from him, my fingers tangled in my emerald tinted hair.

"I say we get pizza. I've read a few books on fat woman drowning away there sorrow by eating alot." I beam. Actually by a 'few' I meant between one hundred and two hundred books. It was rather intriguing to see woman in a dejection character and solve their problems with junk food. I however somewhat understood.

"You," Lelouch sighs. "Will one day own a pizza factory, assuming you don't kill yourself."

I smirk. "Nope. Thats your job, remember?"

He glares. Daggers shoot into me by his furious face. "I'd never."

"You've killed countless people, Lelouch." I utter. "Surely...."

"This is different."

"In what way?"

"I'd never kill people important to me." He says. Then he grabs ahold of my hands and pins me to the bed. Heat rushes to my face and this situation is so charmingly right and yet so charmingly not. Right because deep down I knew I liked it and wrong because I was disgusted by my recent fangirl attitude. I had wanted this moment like an anime otaku wants their anime characters to be real.

"Especially you." He growls.

"What if I got in your way?" I leer while pushing myself from under him. "What if I just so happened to be an assassin working for the other team?"

"Are you implying something?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." Annoyed, Lelouch sets himself next to me on the bed and scratches his head. "So difficult...." He mutters. "Sometimes I wonder how I came to a liking towards you."

"Admit it. It's my _super_ good looks and fierce fighting skills."

He cracks a smile which is a relief to me. How long has it been since he smiled like that? I didn't know, but I felt so....happy that I made him smile. I was now in the league with Shirley. I could make him feel comfortable and lighthearted. Just by his warm smile it felt as though my snow filled heart began to melt and flowers of spring began to bloom in the humid air. I never knew I would be so blissful again.

I then began to cry. Not out of the sorrow that filled the deepest part of my heart or the aching of rejection and violence throughout the years. I did not cry out of anger or spite. I cried out of pure radiance.

Lelouch's ear twitches and in a second he's leaning over me and wiping away my tear. "Why are you crying?"

But of course this act only made me more moved and made me cry even harder. I was happy. I no longer was I a caged bird. I was forever free.

I leaned over towards Lelouch and planted my lips on his. He seemed startled and he tasted like blueberries. An odd taste. Within a moments time he was kissing back. That, however, did not help the waterfall of tears that streamed from my face.

-----

Our discussion at the Black Knights Hide Out was not about stake outs or planning to capture territory, but of a mysterious situation that has just been recently discovered. The Black Knights sit in a circular room and our standing around Zero as he shows a colored graph.

"My fellow Black Knights." He begins. "It has come to my attention that civilians all over the world have been disappearing under odd circumstances. No records, clothing, DNA, or information has been left behind. So I ask this question: have you noticed how the Brittanian army has been working on a different path?"

Kallen raises her hand. "Um...Well they have been easier on us...and...um....haven't been as annoying as much."

"Suspicious?" He asks.

I walk over to him and place my hand on the graph. Up until now no one has seen or heard me speak. "What Zero is trying to say you imbeciles," Many glower at this comment. "Is that the Brittanian force has been taking civilians. The question here now is why? Why would they take country natives and peculiar people?"

"Well whats your theory?" Ohgi asks.

"An better and more efficient army." I smile.

"That doesn't make sense though Double Zero." Zero says. "Why would they want untrained civilians for an army?"

Everyone then murmurs and whispers possible theories. Although all of them sound rather stupid and dull some little pieces make sense. I tried to gather the multiple reasons for an army of untrained humans, but I had none. Further more why would they keep it so secretive? Why would all traces of ever existing disperse? The puzzle pieces weren't fitting together. I felt like we were missing one big connecting peice.

The rest of the Black Knights meeting was discussed on decrease of Knightmares in Brittania and aid from the Korean Secret Association. Still I wonder....was Marrianna connected to all of this?

-----

Shirley, and oblivious nimble blockhead, still proceeds to make my life a living hell. The fanboys describe her appearance as 'sunny' and 'full of life'. I all the same find nothing amazing about the girl. Not to be conceited, but Shirleys personality is those of a bird. A very loud annoying never ending squaking bird. A very loud annoying never ending squawking _stalking_ bird might I add.

Shirley can afford the necessities of life, embrace her parents, and hold onto dear friends. I am broke, my mother is possessed by a crone, and I've never had a true friend up until I met Lelouch. Maybe thats why she's always up my back. She doesn't want me to be happy. Well.....happy with _her_ man anyways.

Actually, starting from two nights ago it would seem to articulate that me and Lelouch by the least are in a relationship of lust and intimacy. I guess I wouldn't call him 'boyfriend' because it sounds like something a preteen would give her Chad Michael Murray. Beau. That word fits the best in my opinion.

Shirley wouldn't care which term I used for Lelouch as long as it went along with acquantainces or no contact. So until I come to those terms she will annoy the living damnation out of me. Skip, skip, skip, skip. Who knew that her worthless movements could irritate a girl so much.

"Hi, C.c!" She had said. C.c. Only Nunnally was allowed to call me that. Not this lewd woman.

"Hello, love." I smile in a lustful sort of way. Shirley flinches, but then continues on with her regular strategy.

"So..." Shirley says while looking at the floor. "If I were to ask Lelouch to Prom do you think he would accept?"

My eyes flicker at her for a moment as I feel rage well up from the pit of my stomach. "Depends. If hes busy." Then I lean in real close. "And if he is you and I can go together."

Shirley flushes. "Um..."

"Hey Cecaniah." My eyes move towards Suzaku whose leaning against the doorway. Seeing this as an excuse to run off, Shirley scurries like a rat running from a giant cat. Lucky. The last thing I wanted to do was meet my admirer. I still relish on the memory of him slipping up and telling me in some sort of peculiar way that he enjoyed my company. A little more than what I would have liked.

"I'm..."

Suddenly I'm being pushed to the wall and lips are on mine. Warm, soft, and not the taste of Lelouch's blueberry, but of a more bitter taste like Cocoa or Coffee. His lips then pull away from mine and leave me breathless.

"Su...Suz...Suzaku...?" I gasp.

"Where have you been? You didn't come home last night and I thought...something...something..." Worried. He was worried that I had driven myself to death and the relief in his voice to find me standing here alive today was evident. I did not know whether or not it was okay to kiss him. He's driving me into a maelstrom.

"I'm fine. I went home and stayed there." I lied.

"You could have called."

My eyes lift. "Suzaku...."

He turns around and is heading towards his next class. He had left me happy, wondering, and scared. I was happy another person cared for me, I was wondering why he had kissed me, and scared because if the kiss had meant something what would be the next step?

---

(No point of Veiw)

_Marianna sighed as she crossed towards the Emperor in her new body. It was hardly even worthy of praise and left her weak with the extra weight. As she tipped her head with smiles and all she grasped her husbands hand and held it close. It had been so long since she had last seen her beloved husband._

_"My dear, is it almost done?" She asked. Curiosity was not apparent in her eyes, but the sheer uproar of pride swelled in them more than ever now._

_"That depends." The Emperor said as he rested his head against his wife's chest. "Did you break the girl?"_

_Arising from her gut she made a sound of pure disgust. "I only needed a little longer til' she felt worthless. Unfortunately our son is inter fearing with our plans. Also it would seem he has also healed more than we should have guessed."_

_"I'm not starting from scratch." The Emperor declared. "I will start now and gather the Geass Weilders."_


	9. sometimes

_Haha. 'Somebody' (User profile forgotten. Sorry.) has a point...again. Last chapter wasn't as great probably because C.C is becoming more happy and I'm so used to making characters feel sarcastic or unhappy. I will try my best to make C.c. still an interesting character, and I will try my best to wrap up the plot. Many hate the idea of my Suzaku x C.C. blend, but I love it. In fact as I said in the last chapter I was distracted by my desires to make other stories. One of those was a Suzaku x C.C. story. It's incest so unless your not open minded to pairings as such I suggest you don't read it. I have gotten reviews of how good the chapter was and some of how I didn't do so great. It was one of my downfalls sadly and I hope to make this chapter better._

_Also some people might be happy to find out what happened to poor...oh..Just wait and see o_~ (wink)_

_-----_

I was approaching the downfall in my life. It had not been so eerie like other occasions such as brutally enduring maltreatment. It was close though and was definently in my top ten of things that I was afraid of. _Prom._ The word made hell break loose into such a formal dance filled with lame hip-hop music and others from the 70's, tie occasions, and dresses that made even the sluttiest people look like a royal princess. Excluding their cigarettes hanging from her mouth.

Could I look like a princess? All ravishing with flowing silk hair and a dress of pure elegance? I was comely, but not of the royal figure type. Shirley could more fit the role. Maybe Lelouch could go with her. I shudder at the thought. What was I thinking? For an elongate amount of time I had dwelled on the thought of them being the perfect Shoujo couple. Now that he was in my grasp, I still awkwardly found the ideal of them together more realistic than what we had.

Would I go if he asked me? Probably.

It has been more than a week since I had found my mother in the clutches of another. How terrible. My dotting angelic mother, only to be held in some sort of hostage manner by a cruel woman. My mother.....It was too morbid to think about.

It has been five days since me and Lelouch took our relationship to an intimate level. We would osculate ourselves in an odd manner. It wasn't like other couples, we would only do it when bored or fatigued unlike couples who did it an overwhelming situations or just for the thrill of the electric touch. Depletion, as it would seem, was the key success in our relationship to achieve intimacy.

It has been four days since Suzaku had also laid his lips on mine. Now that I overlook the kiss I notice odd things and find myself comparing both kisses from his and Lelouch. Lelouch tasted like sweet blueberries, which I enjoyed heavenly. Suzaku tasted like the creamy and desirable chocolate. Lelouch was tender in his kisses while Suzaku was hungry and rough. I was confused all the same why he had kissed me, but pushed that aside and found myself feeling like a criminal. That was infidelity wasn't it?

Would Suzaku ask me to the prom?

I shook my head in dismay. Bad thoughts.

Kallen noticing my distress raised an eyebrow. Shirley and Milly weren't observive enough to notice.

Why was I sitting with such a group? I had not at all minded the company of Kallen and Milly wasn't exactly down my throat either, but Shirley.....

So, here we sit in a circle folding papers and cutting hearts in them for Valentines day. Why would I mind to do such an activity? One simply gooey oozy cheezy word that mad your mouth water. Pizza. I took a bite and licked the cheese that was stained in blood red tomato sauce.

"So...." Kallen says. "Who are you going to the dance with Milly?"

Milly smiled and shook her head. "I don't...know. Rivalz asked me, but...."

"You should go with him." Shirley says abruptly. "We would be a perfect double date. Me and Lelouch you and Rivalz...."

Kallen glares. "Don't try to take taken men, you whore."

No one has yet seen the evil side of Kallen that I had once sensed. Behind a frail and sickly girl was a fighter with an ill-temper. Now everyone silences and stares at her except me. My savior. I can see our freindship will work out perfectly.

"Well...um...he's not taken...." Shirley says while glancing back at me and Kallen. "So...." She acts innocent just like the anti-christ.

"Well you're terribly wrong there, love." I feel the words turn to fire on my tounge. I was going to mince this girl into a perfect cannibalistic smoothie. "As a matter of fact me and Lelouch have just recently made love and now I'm bearing his child." I lie.

Kallen drops her scissors and Shirley falls backwards. Milly however, is ecstatic....Freak.

"How wonderful!" Milly exclaims. "Lelouch and C.c. juniors!" I hate it when she calls me C.c.

"No!" Shirley jumps up and we all turn towards her as she turns crimson. "I'm tired of your lying! My Lelouch would never....never.."

"Did you expect him, love, to be a virgin forever?"

"Shut up, Cecaniah! He wouldn't lose such a precious thing to a...a..bossy cocotte like you!" She then storms off and leaves us behind staring. Now, let me tell you. A cocotte is another word for prostitute, someone who engages in sexual activity for money. As laughable as the situation seemed to me, I also felt ever so lightly in a petulant mood. Not only did she call me an 'easy lay', but she also made it sound like it was such a crime to be with Lelouch.

"So..." Milly says. "When's the baby due?" Idiot.

------

I was scuttling on a wire pole in an area filled with mocking gray buildings and constant eyes vigiling me. Why was I running? My mind drew a blank on that question, but I felt a great amount of urgency swelling in me. I kept on running on the wire pole, not falling off the thin wires. My heart sped like playing drums and my eyes constantly scanned the area for danger. But...._what_ was dangerous? Something moist was dripping on the outer layer of my skin, and until now I didn't notice. For a fleeting second I looked down and saw red. _Blood._ Why was there this velvet substance on my hands? Then I realized. I was the dangerous one.

Awakened by my own shear fear I began to stumble around my room. I had been a murderer. Bricks fell into my chest and absurdity filled the cracks of my own nightmare. I hadn't killed someone. Just to make sure I stared down at my hands and saw no blood. I then proceeded to stumble around my room, until I noticed this wasn't my room. It was Lelouch's and he was sleeping on the floor.

A moment of security blanketed me on knowing that I was not alone. They say that isolation is best for a persons soul in order to remain pure, but I know better. Isolation is the best way to go mad.

I flicker images in my memory of me killing someone or witnessing it. Since being with the Black Knights I had seen countless Brittanian scum be shot before my golden orbs. I normally held my front of not caring for their ruthless deaths, but now felt the guilt parade on me.

Before knowing it I grab a nearby object and stab it into my leg. Blood exudes out and luckily doesn't stain the carpet, but stains my white silk dress. I don't notice what the object is, but continue shoving the object into my flesh. For every cut in my skin is a way to repent myself for every death I could have prevented or every death I had caused. After my twelfth cut I felt too weak and collapsed onto the bed still dripping with blood. I was a monster too willing to become something I could not. I killed like a ruthless butcher and felt nothing, but a mere feather brush my skin. It did not waver me, break me, or lay any scars on me....until now.

-------

Me and Lelouch were sitting cross legged from each other at lunch as I dine on Pizza Hut pizza and Lelouch on a Caesar salad. The room is crowded with females who our talking heavily with sensation about the prom. A feeling of jealousy consumes, but is replaced by the hunger for cheese pizza.

"Your eating a salad." I point out.

Lelouch raises an eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell me you're not blind?" Hardy har har. Very funny Mr. Hero of the Elevens.

"No," I jest as I get a big chug of Grape Soda. "I'm trying to tell you to eat something unhealthy. You need some meat on those ribs. Their practically popping out of your skin."

"Caesar Dressing _is_ unhealthy."

I snort.

Two pink rosey arms then wrap around Lelouch and hug him from behind. It doesn't take long to notice who the ebracer is since you can see a strand of orange bright colored hair fly limply in the air. _Shirley_. Disgust rises in me and a new type of jealousy takes form. My nemesis. As comical as it may sound I considered Shirley at length with me in the...._battle_, should I call it, in _love_.

"Hey, Lulu!" Smiles. Smiles. Happy smiles! How they irk me. I feel the table restrain me from clawing Shirleys perfect princess hair out of her scalp and of course my ever reducing sanity. "I didn't know you ate lunch with Cecaniah!" She adds a little 'Hunh' to the end and instead of making her statment sound curious, it sounds like she's an elitist.

"Well, yes." Lelouch seems unfazed.

"I force him here." I interrupt. "Believe it or not I tie him down with a dog collar and whip him until he promises to eat lunch with me."

Shirley gives me this look. One that says 'I believe you would do something like that you man-stealing tramp.' Lelouch seems inconspicuous to Shirley's hateful looks. Not that it annoys me that he's clueless, but I wish he would actually catch on that she loathes me.

"Actually." Lelouch corrects. "I sit here on my own will. Cecaniah does not repeadily whip me, although alot of men would like to have been by her." I nearly choke on my pizza and Shirley's mouth drops. Lelouch smirks.

"Um....that's nice...." Shirley looks around.

"It's mens locker room talk."

"No wonder." I mutter.

I feel something warm touch my skin and notice light brown olive hands wrap around _me_. My face does not flush the usual shade of any females, but instead turns white and pale. Suzaku. Lelouch do you notice my indifferent act? Do I look guilty as sin? I glance over at you quickly, but do not see rage or the emotions of being lied too. At least....not at me. At Suzaku.

"Hello." I say quickly.

He plops down in a seat next to me. Shirley has already scurried off seeing how a mess this would become.

"Hello!" He says giddily.

Lelouch fumes. I thought for a second it was the emotion of jealousy. It couldn't be. "You guys seem close." Or maybe it is. An odd satisfaction swells in me. Was I glad Lelouch was jaundiced? Certainly, but I had no explanation of why I felt such euphoric emotion fill me. It was beyond ridiculous why Lelouch felt the need to lay his claims over me. Then why did I feel this way?

"I guess." I mutter sighing. Lelouch still has his eyes glued to Suzaku.

"Don't you normally sit with Kallen?"

"This table is more interesting." Suzaku replies hastily to Lelouch's absurd comment.

"Is it the table that's interesting you Suzaku or the people?"

"The people."

"Oh," Lelouch rolls his eyes. "I see."

"Do you?"

Remarks like this are flung across the table until Suzaku says: "You know she and I kissed?"

My eyes buldge. Lelouch does the same. Please don't let this happen. Please....."What?"

"We kissed. In the hallway. During school."

Silence. Catalepsy had overtook me and not even the pulsing of my veins was to be felt. My thoughts circled around the intolerance and newly developed annoyance of that of Suzaku Kururugi and those of the betrayal my Lelouch was to be feeling now. Would he despise me now that he had learned the horrid truth of my infidelity was unknown to me. I normally appreciated the unknown, but now I had a bloodthirsty crave for answers.

Emotions were always best veiled, but some times drove you mad. I would sickeningly know the feeling of pure madness and wished not to repeat the quest of insanity. Lelouch would make me do that.

Lelouch looked at me. A haunting look that chilled my spine til it stiffened and I flinched. "Is this....true?"

"He kissed me." I stated. More like whispered.

He then sat up, grabbed my arm, and pulled me of that into the direction of the Student Council headquarters. Stares, some of concern, some of curiosity, punctured into me and Lelouch. The last face I saw of Suzaku's was regret and maybe a hint of cockiness.

He sat me down in the chair and began to pace back and forth. This situation was completely extemporaneous. I had not expected a Lelouch like this and me in a position of this kind. Inhale. Exhale.

"I knew it." He had finally said. I was choler now.

"You expected I would cheat on you?" I nearly yelled. He had not trusted me. The thought of it made disgust rise in me. "I did not cheat on you by the least. He was the one..."

"I know, I know that! Don't you see it, Cecaniah? Don't you?"

"See what? Lelouch, you're going berserk...."

"No, no, no. Just as I predicted. Oh, that bastard knew it." Lelouch stopped and stared at me. "Don't you know who the real Suzaku is?"

He definitely was going insane, yet it somehow lightened my mood. In a funny way, his crazy antics had made my horror and guilt ease away. "No. Not really."

"He's a pawn of the Brittanians." When he spoke hatred filled his lungs with the discreet intoxicating sound of_ pawn. _Suzaku? A Brittanian follower? That was unexpected. I can see why Lelouch was so uppity and mixed. He had put reliance in his best friends who was fighting for Brittania which nation Lelouch had hated. Was my trust also crushed by the thought of Suzaku being a traitor? I didn't think so. First off, my trust in him was limited to that of a grain of sand.

"How does that tie in with me?"

"Don't you see? He knows I'm related somehow to the Black Knights. He's using you as black mail."

"Suzaku wouldn't do that. He's to much of a goody good..."

"Good enough to kiss you?"

That made me go quiet. My fingertips throbbed with abormality. The sudden catch of me being blackmail was understandingly articulate. It was also malevolent. In a way I could imagine myself using the same harmful method. In a way I could also not understand how Suzaku would do the same. Was I angry? Not as much as I should be, but enough to fall into a state of catalepsy for a moments time.

----

The night of prom had arrived and we had Black Knight duties to attend to. I was content just being with Lelouch, but I drifted onto reveries of us dancing classical at this 'prom'. Not that I enjoyed dancing. With him however it would be more...joyful, euphoric, worth the while. I did not know whether or not Lelouch would have taken me if Black Knight duties had not got in the way and for this, my mind rotted onto only that thought and it held my concentration. Then when in the midst of my interrogation with myself and logical facts of prom my mind drifted to Suzaku. The traitor.

I examined a document and sighed while casting it aside. We were looking at reports made by members of our organization and were determining whether or not the reports held any significance. Not like it mattered. To me that is.

"Lelouch," I sough. "I'm going to..."

"Hold on." He urgently swept over document number twelve and glanced at it, then read slowly through. I saw sweat beads form on his pale skin and turn slightly flustered with irritation. I have no idea what his sudden interest in a single document was, but soon enough i would surely find out. Then he looks at me and without saying anything nods towards his mask and i throw it to him.

"What's wrong?"

"Were going to the prom."

"As cosplayers?" I ask pointing at the mask he was putting on his face.

"No. A report in column twelve states that...."

"Hopefully not a cosplay convention."

He glares. "Will you get serious?" Ouch. That stung. At the same time I was mildly amused. This boy was acting so tough, and yet he knew I could overpower him so easily.

"I'm perfectly serious. Cosplay Conventions are such brutal things. Yaoi fangirls, Screaming Otaku...."

"No! Cecaniah! Activity is show on Brittanian forces! Their heading for the prom!"

I clenched my fists. This was going to be a long night.

------

We arrived to the prom. There was no glittering smiles, confetti, or memorable happiness. There was however memorable grief. I had once imagined when I was a little girl, a party with woman dancing with their princes like in a ball. There would be soft, elaborate music, delectable food, and smiles. However this party was anything but,

The woman and princes were corpses laying limply on the ground as blood spewed out of them, the music was not hear and instead was replaced by morbid screaming, the food was no entirely edible, and smiles, for this occasion, could never be. Deaths. So many deaths all in one place. At least more than twenty cadavers lie before me with their skin pale and their pupils slowly devouring their irises. It was so hard to look at, but there I was. Staring like a fool caught in a traumatic experience. And that's just what this was. A traumatic experience wishing to seep it's way into my already doleful life.

Clinging to life. Was it such a meaningful thing? Every human strives for it and held onto it like a game of tug a war. Struggling so the other side, death, did not pull you into the afterlife. I used to let the death drag me while I barely even held on. I let it nearly happen to bring me into the world of my long lost dreams. Nowhere. Death.

I aimlessly hold back tears. This was so sad. So very fucking sad.

Lelouch was no better than I, but concealed it with twice as much power.

Questions were obviously risen from his throat, but were held back by strangled cries. I wish to reach out to him and comfort him, but sadly I myself need comfort. I search around the room. A few people I knew, but none of the student council. Then I spot something lurid. Orange.

"Shirley!"

An mere seconds Lelouch was running across the room and unbuckling his mask. "Shirley!" My dread fell upon me and buried itself inside a pit of remorse. It only got deeper with the more witnesses to these deaths. And to think it was with someone I knew. She laid languidly across the floor, her maroon blood soaking her hair. Shirley had been shot int the neck and was near death.

Lelouch knelt over her holding the poor Shirley to his chest. I was not surprised or even the least bit green-eyed by this act. It was only natural for him to care. Instead I was holding deep self loathing towards myself. I had wished upon her death. Why had I been so careless and threw hateful slanders towards her....when all she wanted was love from the person she most cared for. Lelouch.

"Don't die, dammit!" He had screamed. "Don't die!"

"L...Lelouch....." She had sobbed. She was grinning weakly and tugged on his dark silken hair while letting tears fall from her cheek. "I'm s...s..so happy. that you're...h...here...in my...final...hour..."

Lelouch struggled to compose his face. "No. Don't do this....Don't you dare quit!" I could only stare as the grim reaper approached on Shirley and yelling erupted from Lelouch. He knew she would die, yet he continued to make her believe and him as well believe she would survive.

Shirley lifted her arms lightly and touched and caressed Lelouch's cheek. "I...in truth I've...always...loved..." Then her head dropped and a smile that would end her life. "...you." Breathing had stopped. Then with a shrug of his shoulders and a shaking of his head Lelouch bellowed.

"SHIRLEY! SHIRLEY!!!" I strained to cover my ears. Her name tortured me and perhaps it was for the best. "SHIRLEY!!" Perhaps I deserved to let my heart ache on the thought of someone's blood covering my hands. "SHIRLEY!" Though I had not stabbed a blade into her or shot my gun into her flesh. "SHIRLEY!!!!!!!" In a way I was responsible.

Before noticing it hands had covered my mouth and I had thought it drearily as death. I let it nearly casually point a knife at my throat and hold the shining edge to the outer layer of my skin. I let it, without fighting it off, drag me to where I would never want to go back to. Somewhere I deserved to be.

Marianna's clutches.


	10. Happiness

_Wow. Final chapter! I was getting a sickly feeling about this one. This chapter will hopefully be the best since it explains much of unanswered answers and wraps up romantic relationships. I found this chapter utterly exciting, but also a little difficult. I had fun adding the angst in Cecaniah in this chapter and her neverending emoness. Happy endings are oh so awesome, but sad endings are of the best I can think of. Cliffhangers suck ass. Soooo I expect negative reviews and maybe some positive._

_Be. Happy. Dammit. I'm not going to rewrite it over. Ja, Oyasumi Nasai and Sayanora. Oh also!!! I didn't fail this semester of grade 8!!!!! YaY!_

_I don't own Code Geass._

_------_

I lay here waiting patiently on a brick floor. Moisture and leaks inhabit the cracks of the prison cell I am, but none of this matters. I rest my head on the dirty stone floor which presses its cold material against me. I do no stir. I do not even cry. Instead I lay there, waiting. Waiting for what? I did not know. I did not deserve to be saved. If this was my destiny, living in a small barred room with meals served to me once a day, I gladly accept it. Living with Marianna as she made my life hell? I encouraged it. It was the only way to repent for having Shirley's blood on my hands.

Thinking of Shirley makes my heart wretch and my eyes moisten with that cursed liquid substance. If I had let her go to the dance with Lelouch, she could've been safe. If I had not wished her dead she wouldn't be. It ached so much. Just the thought of her bright and beautiful hair soaked in blood while her hands and face paled to the color of snow, choked me. I had witnessed more deaths before, brought more even. This one however made a scar in my life.

Whenever I thought of her, I grabbed broken glass and slashed my wrists. Sometimes even my neck, but not enough so I could die. I had taken on a masochistic behavior for you Shirley. That still is not enough. It will never be enough to make up for the life you could of had which I took from you. I took your life, dammit and it's killing me. Killing me inside. My blood which I forced out of my body with sharp objects was less pain than thinking of you.

My hair is greasy and straw like, for my captors only allowed me one shower a week. In cold stinging water while the males snickered as I screamed when the water hit my skin. My dress is ragged and smells of rats. My arms are bony and my ribs are showing. I feel to fatigued to get up. I do not sleep on a bed, instead I sleep on this cold floor.

Marianna visited me daily and chuckled at the sight of my demise. Then she would take out a whip and give me a lashing that left purpley red marks engraved in my skin. She did not today and sounded rather facetious as she said. "You look so beautiful today darling." I barely lifted my eyes and kept them staring blankly at a crack in the wall. She didn't like this, but continued on with her remarks. "You could be a princess for all we know." She smirks at the thought and shakes her head in dismay.

"Cecaniah, you have quite a talent. That geass of yours is remarkable." My geass. I had not used it since me and Lelouch's last mission before prom. Pondering on Lelouch made me slightly happy. I let the though seep into me until I was almost glowing of memories of him. Then I felt sadness all seep through me because I thought of how much I missed him.

"It's a curse." I murmur.

"A useful curse. A curse that could take over the world."

My eyes traveled to hers in question. I didn't know what she meant and it was just of me to find answers unanswered provocative.

"I have a deal to make with you." She smiled. "A deal you can't refuse."

I do not answer. This was probably one of her trickery. Just an act to make me more pained. I was broken beyond repair I would try to convince myself. I knew better though. She could break me down til there was nothing left and the only thing I could do was endure it. This fact only made me more doleful.

"What if I promised you a way out of here? What if I said I could let you live in luxury for the rest of your life?"

"No." I reply blandly.

"You haven't even heard my proposal." She retorts in spite.

"I...don't need to." I reply dryly. I dwell on Shirley. "I deserve to.... be unhappy."

She grips my hair tightly. "I could end your life here and now girl."

I pause. With hesitation I sigh and say. "Take it." I had no right to a life. My life was just a nuisance and brought suffering to all those around me. The only generous thing I could do for the suffered was to end my life. A selfless act that would forever keep them in a morsel of protection.

She quickly heads down to the corridor in a huff and turns her head for a final glare. She was angry which did not bring pleasure, but a sense of pride. I had stood up to her, but also had let her see I was not tremulous of the thought of dying. My eyes cross to the other side of this barred cage and notice a man slumping in his own prison cell. Like me, he is malnourished, deprived of any euphoria, and utterly depressed. His hair is greasy like mine and is brown and short while his skin is fairer than mine. His eyes are purple like lilacs, but sent shivers down my spine. Not because they were frightening, but because they looked at me intensely in a way I didn't understand.

"I would have taken her offer." He says to me as he chews on a leaf. "Any things better than this hell hole."

"That is your opinion. I can think of far worse." I say coldly. I hug my knees together and stare impatiently as he chews more on his leaf and nibbles on its green substance. This habit of his irks me to no end.

"I'm Rollo." He says finally.

I sigh. "I'm..." I downcast my eyes. I think of what the student council and Nunnally used to say to me. "I'm C.C."

"Initials?" He asks while tilting his head.

"Yeah." I look at him as though to say 'you got a problem with it?'. He doesn't flinch, though I see him feel nervous. "Why are you here?"

"Why everyone else is here." He stands up and nods his head in different directions of different cells.

I was confused. Was I the only one who didn't fit in here? "And that would be?"

"Were all Geass wielders." My mind shuts down. I stand up which is nearly hard to do and cling to the bars as I scan the area. There were almost fifty people here. I don't quite get it. Why would Marianna keep so many Geass wielders? Why was she going through all the trouble to capture these people?

"What geass do you have?" Rollo asks. I feel barely conscious of the question. "I make people stop what their doing. Of course my geass also affects me by slowing down my heart rate so I never use it."

"I..." I choke. "I can make anyone fall in love with me."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

I fall still. Why didn't this make sense? It seemed as though I had all the puzzle peices, but I couldn't fit them together. Was I placing them in the wrong places? I take a breath inwardly and fall backwards. My world goes black and my mind turns off. It left me to sweet dreams of me and Lelouch and nightmares of Shirleys death. Guilty as sin I was and yet I induldged in my own sweet thoughts of love.

----

I was called to the main council room of the Brittanian area by Marianna along with a few other geass weilders. Rollo being one. We all hunched over glumly and walked as though expecting a beating. Normally my heart would race at any conceptualization of what they may do like whippings. I, however, felt to weary to make any trivialities.

When I walked it was as though weights were attached to my shoulders and my head was made of legs. My eyes even felt to tired to move quickly and gaze at our surrounding. All I had gathered that the once stone cracked floor beneath me was now replaced with elegant tiles with a honeycomb color. I just want to sleep ad rest my head on the cold stone floor. I want to feel the bitter pain of guilt seep into me as I would press my body and let it go numb.

There are to people beside me, one who is just as gloomy as I, and one who is shaking in hysterics. The persons fear makes me chuckle lightly, for I could no longer understand his fear. I had endured enough fear to where fear did not exist.

We enter a room filled with other prisoners and before us lay Marianna and someone with white judge like hair who was bigger than most. I suspected he was a suitor of Marianna for he pressed close to her in a sultry way. I felt the yearning to be with Lelouch in that way. I missed his haughty ways and his silken hair and his amethyst eyes as they would pierce into me as though my whole world was being revealed to him. A tear escaped my eye and before I knew it I was sobbing into my hand. I desiderata him. The truth of my longing only made me weep more.

I listened half heartedly as Marianna gave a speech on the greatness of Brittania. My ears had felt like a thick covering of plastic or some sort of layer closed them off. The only real sound I could hear clearly was the echo of my own cries. Marianna then told us why we were here.

"Have you all endured torture? Sadness?" She asked. Most nodded, few were still in a schizophrenic state. "Do you just want it to go away? To feel control?"

I felt myself nodding too. I loathed this feeling that resided in my heart. It tore away my whole life and everything that could mean importance to me. It led me to a life of isolation and a malnutrition and deprived of human interaction. I needed this feeling to go away like a starving person needed food.

"I could give you that." She had said. "I could make you feel as though everything is in your hands."

I trembled.

"You can live in happiness. You can finally feel the freedom of life without strings pulling you back. Does it tire you? The way you're different and don't fit in? I can make you feel as though you're special and of value." Marianna lifted her arms in a weird pose. "All you have to do is join us."

Gasps were heard as well as my own. I thought that the reason I was here was to only torment me more, but to join them? Doing what?

"We have been building an army." My eyes opened widely. In a Black Knight meeting we had gone over the chances of Brittania building an secret army. I tasted to the brink of surprise melt on my lips. Marianna continued with much more frightening valor. "We the Brittanian empire seek power, but who doesn't? We can't do it without you and with your geass powers we can achieve it. The whole world will bow down before you and love you for the miracle you will create."

My lips went dry. I had noticed something finally that I had not noticed before. "H-how..." People turned towards me and Marianna once again displayed her mocking glare. "How did you know we all went through torment? How did you know we were all suffering?"

Murmurs flew around the room and Marianna's smile had turned into a frown.

_'My brother died mysteriously, recently. How could they have known? His death was covered up by a lie of him transferring!'_

_'My father just became an alcoholic about three years ago and started to...'_

_'The girls at my school had one day just suddenly started to pick on me! They were never like that until a couple years ago...'_

"You abused me!" I shouted. "And then you broke Lelouchs sisters legs! Your the one making us suffer!" I gripped my shoulders until it bled, closed my eyes and screamed. "_**Why do you want to hurt us so much**_?!" My lips quivered. "I never....I don't even know you!" People had stopped talking and were now surrounding me with their eyes giving me that shared pain look. "Why did you make make our lives hell? WHY!?" I stopped talking and grasped my throat. My anger had been released and momentary sorrow in my words and I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The feeling of the lifted weight made me feel stronger and I stood up straight to express it.

Marianna only laughed. Everyone turned towards her as she feel into hysterics as she released laughs that were throaty and dreadful. The man beside her soon joined her and they laughed together in a course. In an indignated voice I said: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

They stopped.

Marianna smiled. "We....Heh...Hah...Needed to break you. Don't you see you moronic girl? Would you have joined us if you had led a happy life? Would you have joined us if you had a reason to live besides this purpose? I think not!" Realization hit me and it felt like a blow to my chest. As though a bullet had shot through my heart and was pumping furiously at the reacted bullet. "I geassed your mother and consumed her body! I beat you thinking of how I could use you in the future! Killing that citrus girl, Shirley, was just a bonus on how to crush you! I let my husband break my daughters legs and let him _'kill' _me so that I could one day have my son be an accomplice in our goal...our dream! I don't want just a small empire! I want the world, and with you I can make it the best world man has ever _stepped_ on!"

"No!" I shreiked. I wouldn't become a monster. I wouldn't become what she anticipated for me to be. I did not thirst for power. I thirsted for the loving embrace of someone who could understand me and accept me as the tainted girl I am. I had that. I had Lelouch, yet I still let myself keep on believing I was alone and no one had come close to the trauma of my life experience. But I was never alone. I always had someone beside me watching my every step. Lelouch!

Now I understood, and I had taken advantage of the good life I had developed. Dread had not fallen on me, but quite the opposite. I was blithed that I had the experience of happiness in my life. Even if it would end now I would die with a smile, for I lived a considerate happy life. So in a way Marianna, I thank you. I owe you my deepest gratitude, for you made my life through sorrow and pain find my love.

"Thank you." I had whispered. No one had understood why I was crying now and why I was thanking her. Not even Marianna knew why I was grateful of her existence.

Just then the walls had caved in and the elegant tiles beneath me had been stained with dirt and chunks of the wall. Many had screamed many had just stared, but I had smiled for I felt the presence of Lelouch here. Sure enough Lelouch was in a Knightmare with Kallen right beside him. And Suzaku. Suzaku, the traitor. I did not care for his presence as much as I did Lelouch.

"Lelouch!" I had screamed.

His knightmare opened and out came Lelouch who was staring at me with relief. "Cecaniah!" The way he had said my name made me go light hearted and the world only consisted of me and him. He had not changed much as I recalled, but he was skinnier and bags were under his eyes. He still held the handsome face I fell in love with. We ran to each other dodging over people and wall chunks as thogh those obstacles were meaningless. Soon enough we had caught up to each other and fell into an embrace. His warm skin burned me with the passion I desired for weeks. I tugged onto him as he did to me.

"Why didn't you come earlier?" I had demanded as I sniffled and sobbed.

He didn't reply, but only held me closer. I had heard the clashing of knightmares in the background. That didn't matter though for I had all I needed in my arms. He smelt pleasantly and the aroma of his skin, something like Lilacs, made me inhale him and let my lips lightly touch his neck and then his hair.

Suzaku interrupted the scene which made me sullen. My happy moment was ruined, but at the same time I was relieve to see him. I had pined for him too. Not in a romantic way, but in a way that made me feel as though a part in my life was being ripped from my body.

Lelouch held his cavalier attitude. He still held me, but glanced at Suzaku then at Marianna whose face was blank. "Let me get Cecaniah to a safe place for a while. Please take care of my mother for now."

"No the deal was to save Cecaniah. I'll take her. Then I'll kill you."

The final sentence made me go limp. Kill Lelouch? After I just got him back? That would be unbearable and I had the urge to protect him like a mother protects her newborn child. I stepped in between him and Suzaku and said. "I won't let you. If you kill him it's like your killing me."

Suzaku stared at me. Anguish evident in his eyes. "Cecaniah..." He replied. "He's a killer."

"I don't care." I felt stronger. Stronger than ever before. "I love him."

We stared at each other unblinking until his eyes closed and he sighed gloomily. "I _love_ you." I coukdn't see Lelouch's reaction, but mine was astonished. I had not realized Suzaku to have these feelings for me. The thought of it made my heart stop and my head feel like a waterfall was pouring water up there. My head felt dizzy and heavy and I had to look down and close my eyes.

"I know you don't love me in that way." He utters sadly.

"I'm sorry."

A loud clapping sound fills my ears and I turn to Marianna whose clapping her hands and in a very disturbed effervescent voice vocalizes: "How very dramatic! Two thumbs up!"

"Mother!" Lelouch yells. I see anger rise in him and it reminds me of a song I had once listened to. Colors by crossfade and Lelouch was emitting the color of hate. Black.

"Hello, Lelouch." She is not unnerved by him.

He takes out his gun without hesitance aims, but does not shoot. Instead he stares at her with tears leaking from his eyes. She looks as though she's welcoming death. For this fact makes him almost melancholic. His mother who he had loved, nursed him, and probably reassured him when he was afraid was going to be staining her blood on his hands. Not only that, but my mother would go with his.

Urgency had entered me like a swift wind. My mother was still in there. Somewhere in the blackness of her consumed heart was she there awaiting for her death so I could live a better life. I didn't want her to die for me! I loved her so much. When she had held me and told me I was so beautiful. When she had kissed my forehead before I was asleep and hugged me randomly throughout the day.

It would al be gone. Forever.

I grabbed the gun from Lelouch and threw it on the floor. He gave me a surprised look. "Cecaniah..."

"No..." I uttered. "My mother! She's still in there!" I gripped his shoulders and began to shake him back and forth. "Do you understand me? My mothers still in there!"

"Cecaniah." He gives me a pained look. The look only makes me feel more urgent to stop him.

Marianna chuckles. Her boyfriend, the white haired judge looking guy, has fled and left his woman behind to share her insanity with us. "That's right. Even right now do I hear her speaking to me. She's saying '_Don't put one hand on my precious Cecaniah!'_" Marianna shakes her head. "It's quite pitiful. You're mother still looking out for you."

Suzaku shakes his head quickly. "Give her mother back to us!"

My mind spins with possible solutions. How could I bring back my mother? Was it even possible? Was there no hope. Thinking of how there would be no hope or no way of saving her from Mariaanas clutches made me drown in despair. I am naturally a cynical and pessimistic person. Now, I wished that I could believe there was hope. To be sanguine. Optimistic. A believer. My geass could not help me this time. But wait...Lelouch....

"Lelouch!" I said. He turned towards me. His face blank. "Have you ever used you're geass on you're mother?"

"No. That won't work still. My geass doesn't work on you so it probably doesn't work on..."

"Lelouch." I said looking down. "Your geass won't work on me not because I'm also a geass weilder, but because sometime in the future your geass knew I would do every thing you told me to do without question. My geass wouldn't work on you because sometime in the future you would fall in love with me. Without my geass."

"That...that..."

"It can be true."

His face is grim, but his features relax in an almost pleasant form. "I'll try." (A/N: This is where everyone goes WTF?)

His eyes glowed blood red. Marianna stepped backwards. Then, like a bird it flew swiftly into her eyes. The next thing that happened was beautiful and unbelievable. A soul in the shape of my mothers natural form had become crystal white. A soul that was black that represented Marianna had began to diminish into nothing, but tiny sparkles. My mothers soul smiled at me. Her smile made me grow lukewarm. Then she stepped back into her own body and disappeared.

I walked up to my mother. Every step I took I felt like a different person. The woman who would continually haunt me, now lay as nothing, while the woman who I loved so deeply and cared for me with the correct devotion of a mother, was right where she was supposed to be.

Her eyes opened and they were moist with tears. I did not see the look of animosity of loathing, but the look of love.

---

My life did have a happy ending. I was forever with Lelouch and my mother side by side. My life was filled with pleasentries only dreamed about in a fairy tale. The princess got her prince, her pride, and a happy ending. I was not allowed to continue my work in the Black Knights organization due to my moms worrisome habits.

It's fine. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lelouch still attempts to kill his father. Now he has someone he can be open with about to his plans. Someone he could act like himself around. I lost contact with Suzaku a month ago. Since then I have feared for Lelouch's life.

As I walk with him on our first date I stop to stare at the blue sky. I no longer stare at it with resentment of a pure passion of hatred. Instead I cherish it's every cloud and shade of blue that hang over the horizon.

"Where should we go?" Lelouch asks. I see his eyes wander to the sky too.

"Pizza Hut." I smile. "Unless you want to go to the beach to see some half naked girls."

He frowns. Apparently my sense of humor never changes.

Instead he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to him. "Let's go to Pizza Hut."

Most people would like to hear more. Of how I conquer Brittania alongside Lelouch. But the ending of the story is normally the happy ending and this is my happy ending. This is where I have crossed over to bliss.

---

**The end. (Sucky huh?)**


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